Dennis Kucinich only got 1% of the vote in yesterday's Iowa caucus. Kucinich came out with this announcement today.
"Wait! The caucus was yesterday?! Oh, crap!"

Gee, whiz. Did you see Howard Dean's speech in Iowa the other night? It was rather fiery. We see the clip of an energetic Dr. Dean bellowing the states he is going to visit and campaign. He gets so excited, his head explodes. Dave says stress will do that. Dave really enjoyed the fiery Dean speech and think he'd make a fun President who would scare people. It would be like, "Ooooh, the President is on TV tonight."

Donald Trump has a big hit on his hands with his "The Apprentice" reality show. Have you seen it? Dave particularly enjoys the disclaimer they run at the top of the show.

"The following program contains graphic images of Donald Trump's hair. Parents should exercise extreme caution before exposing young viewers to this unpleasant broadcast. Thank you."

Dave says he's just given up with his hair. Now he just tells the guy to buzz it off. Nothing can be done. With Trump, he's still trying to make it happen. He won't give up with his hair. If his hair didn't look so silly, you would have to admire a guy like that.

TRUMP OR MONKEY: We head on over to Rupert's to play "Trump or Monkey?" How do we play? There will be three partially covered photo head shots. Only the hair atop their head is revealed. Two of the photos are of Donald Trump. One is of a monkey. The contestant has to pick the photo of the monkey.
Who is playing tonight? It's the excited and bubbly Chrissie from San Diego, California. She's here in New York City with her best friend. Dave quickly sends Rupert outside to find Chrissie's best friend. Rupert returns with a woman who Dave thinks looks like the woman we had on last week. Her name is Jessica. So what does Chrissie and Jessica do back home in San Diego. They answer simultaneously; one says she's a cosmetologist, the other says she likes to hang out at the beach. Dave takes a moment to inform Rupert he wants to see him in his office after the show.
What have they done in New York City since they arrived? They went to "Good Morning America" this morning, to Chinatown, rode the Ferris Wheel at Toys R Us, and of course, went shopping. Sounds like fun, though poor Jessica is illin' and not feeling too well.
It's time to play the game. And what are we playing for tonight? Alan chimes, "It's a brand new speed boat!"
Rupert puts up the display of three head tops. Which of the three is a monkey? The girls lean in and study the hair. They choose #1. It's time to reveal #1 - Is it Trump, or is it a monkey? The girls are hoping it's a monkey. The card covering the face is removed and it is . . . . . DONALD TRUMP! Too bad, girls. Dave offers them a second chance. This time they pick photo #2. The full face is revealed and it is . . . . . A MONKEY!
For their work, Chrissie and Jessica win a Hello Deli deli platter.

Throughout the playing of the game, I thought I could hear the winter wind whistling outdoors.

Back from commercial, Dave reminds us that the girls did not win, but in all fairness, Jessica wasn't feeling well.

PAT FARMER'S GAFFE ALERT: Our stagehand Pat Farmer is a big fan of the cinema flicks and is a well-known stickler for accuracy and continuity. He is always looking for errors in the film he's viewing. Tonight, we are going to take a look at "Casablanca," celebrating its recent special release on DVD. We look at a quick clip of the pianist playing "As Time Goes By." Bogart enters the frame, then cuts to Ingrid Bergman. Back live to Pat, he asks, "Did you spot the mistake? They're all dead."

And that's how we play Pat Farmer's Gaffe Alert.

Dave is a bit confused, not quite sure it's a gaffe simply because they are all dead. But the clock is running, and there is no time to dwell on it. NEXT!

TOP TEN: Top Ten Howard Dean Excuses - Howard Dean finished a disappointing 3rd in the Iowa Caucus after leading in the polls for weeks.
#10. The Iowans turned it into a popularity contest.
#7. By mistake, campaigned in Ohio.
#5. Dennis Kucinich stole one percent of my vote.
#2. Bad idea to keep asking self, "What would Dukakis do?"

ASHTON KUTCHER: He's Demi Moore's boyfriend. Woooooooo, now we know!!!!! Ashton says the last time Demi was on the show, she got flowers and a card. This is Ashton's 4th time on and he never got nuttin'.
How did Ashton and Demi meet? They were at a dinner party and one by one people got up from the table to dance or do what people do at a dinner party. The last two remaining at the table were Ashton and Demi. They talked and hit it off. So if you're keeping notes at home: If you want to date Julia Roberts, simply say "Hey, what's up." And if you want to date Demi Moore, don't get up from the table.
Dave says he's interested in the Ashton and Demi relationship and reminds Ashton, "I've known her longer than you, you know." Ashton responds, "Not the way I know her."
Dave holds up a photo of Ashton with Demi, her 3 kids, and her former husband Bruce Willis. Ashton says they all get along just swell. He adds that Bruce calls it "the modern family." I don't think that's quite right. The modern family has a mom, dad, with a boyfriend or girlfriend, and there should only be two kids; one Jason and one Ashley. One of the kids would be troubled, the other misunderstood and moody.

Dave has the new "Punk'd" DVD of the first season. Ashton was the Alan Funt of "Punk'd" and it was very popular kids. The show is on hiatus right now. While talking with Ashton, Dave attempts to unwrap the "Punk'd" DVD. When the time was right, Dave opened the DVD. It was empty inside. DOH!!! Dave was Punk'd!

Ashton stars in the new creepy film, "The Butterfly Effect," opening this Friday.

ACT 5: It's John Mayer performing with the band. His CD, "Heavier Things."

PAULA ABDUL: She's one of the judges on the "American Idol" show. This show has gone crazy good. I was talking to someone who watches these shows and he says the "Idol" shows are worldwide, all based on the same premise. All very successful. Dang it, I got to start working on a gimmick. "American Idol" is just like Star Search of Ted Mack's Amateur Hour but with harsh judges. How about if I produce a show like "What's My Line" and the contestant blisters the panel who guess wrong. "Arlene Francis, do I really look like the President's veterinarian, you idiot?" It's something I think I'll work on. Has potential. Paula Abdul is a one-time Laker girl. She was one of those cheerleaders who performed on court during timeouts and halftime. She says Jack Nicholson would sit courtside with his binoculars checking out the talent. Paula is also an extremely successful singer, having sold over 40 million records. Now you know.

And that was our show for Tuesday, January 20, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

All is not lost for Howard Dean. Following his speech Monday night, he picked up the endorsement of Vince McMahon.

Why isn't the plural of Caucus "cauci"?

The reason Dennis Kucinich is doing so poorly is because his name is always followed with D-OH.

Remember my gripe about the New York Knicks getting Stephon Marbury? I said he doesn't pass enough. Last night he got 14 assists. The other night he was well into the double figures in assists. Nice work, Stephon. I guess he doesn't want to cross me.

Yesterday I mentioned how the top three finishers in the Iowa Caucus had a first name as a last name: John Kerry, John Edwards, and Harold Dean. I then listed the many Presidents who also had a first name for a last name. To continue the game, I received this from Wahoo reader Jim Cammisa of Alexandria, Virginia:

"Since like me you are old enough to remember Gavin McLeod on McHale's Navy, you should also remember Roosevelt Grier. Also, there was that guy in the Mod Squad named Linc, which I presume was short for Lincoln.
You didn't note that 'Madison' is also found in any first-grade class.
There was a writer named Cleveland Amory.
The baseball commissioner when we were very young was Ford Frick.
Clint Eastwood, Clint Howard, Clint Walker... isn't that short for Clinton?
If you include popular-vote-only presidents, Gore Vidal.

John Adams
Thomas Jefferson (Jefferson Davis)
James Madison (found in any first-grade class)
John Quincy Adams
Andrew Jackson (Jackson Brown)
William Henry Harrison (Harrison Ford)
John Tyler (see any first grade class)
Zachary Taylor (see any first grade class)
Franklin Pierce (Pierce Brosnan)
Abraham Lincoln (Linkin Park; Linc from the Mod Squad)
Ulysses S. Grant (Grant Paulsen)
Chester Arthur (Arthur the aardvark)
Grover Cleveland (I knew a kid in junior high school named Cleveland Rollins; and writer Cleveland Amory)
Benjamin Harrison
Theodore Roosevelt (Roosevelt Leaks, Roosevelt Grier)
Woodrow Wilson (Wilson Dooley)
Franklin Roosevelt (Roosevelt Bowie)
Harry S Truman (Truman Capote)
John F. Kennedy (that Kennedy chick who used to be on MTV)
Gerry Ford (Ford Frick)
Jimmy Carter (former Late Show writer Carter Bays)
Bill Clinton (Clint Eastwood)

Oh, here's an easy one. George Washington/Washington Carver

Next month, vice-presidents with a first name as a last name.
First up: Al Gore/Gore Vidal