We had fun with it yesterday so we decided to have more fun with it tonight. It's the Late Show Unfair Edit. Tonight's installment is of Arnold Schwarzenegger during his State of the State Address Tuesday night.

"I love / financial recklessness. / I am also going to promote / economic chaos. / I will / make matters worse."

The Late Show Unfair Edit: Silly, yet funny.

Democratic candidate Dennis Kucinich used a pie chart during a debate the other day . . . a debate that was held on the radio. He, of course, came off looking a little foolish. He has a response for those who think such.
(photo of Dennis Kucinich, with voice over) "To all my opponents and members of the media who are laughing at me for trying to show a pie chart on the radio, I just have this response . . . . I'm giving you all the finger!"

It's a brand new year, so we decided to take a look at some things we think are likely to happen in 2004. It's something we call "2004: A Look Ahead."
-Britney Spears: Based on current rates, will marry and divorce 159.3 people."

Dave comments on what a lovely woman Britney Spears is. Foley the Director puts the shot of Britney back on the screen while Dave and Paul admire her beauty. While still in that frame of mind, Foley the Director quickly cuts back to the photo of Dennis Kucinich. Ewww.

-Michael Jackson: In fit of frustration, will dangle his high-priced lawyers from balcony.

Dave looks at the photo of Michael Jackson and says, "She's also a lovely woman, don't you think?"

-Nick Nolte: In June, begins to get over his New Year's hangover.

Dave, or maybe Paul, likens Nick Nolte to Irwin Corey.

We take a break from the 2004: A Look Ahead and have another look at the Late Show Unfair Edit. In this installment, we see our President in a speech from Wednesday.

"Today, I ask the Congress to join me in / violating the laws of America. / Decent, hardworking people will now be / victimized by crime."

-Martha Stewart: Will be pulled from a spiderhole dirty and disoriented.

Dave says he wants all this nonsense surrounding Martha to be finished so "we can get it on."

-Snoop Dogg: Even more mizzle in the hizzle fo' shizzle.

Dave and Paul discuss this 'izzle' language and both admit they know nothing about it. I am relieved. I thought I was the only one who was at a lost with this 'izzle' thing for the past 2 years. And when did Snoop drop Doggy?

-Paris Hilton: Will land spokesperson gig for AOL broadband with new, faster video downloading.

Dave says Paris Hilton was supposed to be on our show but she was busy on the internet having sex.

-Dr. Phil: Unveils brand new life lessons he pulled out of his ass.

Before doing the Dr. Phil, Dave gives a stellar performance of smoking on a cigarette.

Dave takes a break here to do one more Late Show Unfair Edit. Once again, it's Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I say to everyone here today and to all Californians / I will not rest until California is / spiraling downward. I will not rest until the people of California come to see their government as / a roadblock to their dreams."

-Uday and Qusay: Have a tearful reunion with dad in hell.

PAT AND KENNY READ OPRAH TRANSCRIPTS - If you're a fan of "The Oprah Winfrey Show," you know that you can write in and order written transcripts form any Oprah episode. We recently did just that and tonight our stagehands Pat Farmer and Kenny Sheehan performed part of the transcripts on our show. In this episode, Oprah welcomes celebrity guest, Mariah Carey.
Pat plays the part of Oprah.
Kenny plays the part of Mariah Carey.
It was fun to watch these two on stage again. It was also fun to see them break up during the performance. The two started laughing near the end. I've said it before; the more they rehearse, the less chance there will be that they'll crack up. By rehearsing, they get the "giggles" out of the way. Pat and Kenny rehearsed once earlier in the day, and we haven't done this since last February, so this was primed for laughs.
Every time I watch Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts, I find it hilarious. Why, I don't know. It's just two guys reading a transcript from the Oprah show. No jokes. No hijinks. Just a straight read. It reminds me of how Joey Bishop first did something similar way back when by reading Elvis Presley song lyrics. Mr. Bishop would stand in front of a podium, and all stoic-like, read the lyrics. Hearing the words spoken by Mr. Joey Bishop instead of being sung by Elvis Presley made for great comedy. Pat and Kenny Reading Oprah Transcripts reminds me of the Joey Bishop bit.

Before we began the Oprah Transcripts, Dave shares a story of what happened earlier in the day. A corporate guy was talking to Dave trying to convince him to go on Oprah. He said, "You know, Dave, people really like that Oprah, and if you go on, people might really like you."

TOP TEN: Things I Have Learned Interning For "The Late Show." - and here to present tonight's Top Ten list were the Late Show Interns.
#8. "Many hours of work go into writing Dave's so-called 'Fan Mail.'"
#5. "New York is a wonderful place to meet hookers."
#3. "Don't go to Dave's barber."

NATHAN LANE: He comes prepared and gets it all out. He leaves no stone unturned. Nathan is a real pro.
About Dave and baby Harry: "I haven't seen our eyes light up like that since opening night at 'Mamma Mia!"
"When will you tell him he's adopted?" -- "What! He's not adopted! How old are you?" "Inspired me to adopt. I'm thinking of maybe a 22-year-old Russian gymnast."
Christmas party at the Hamptoms: "filled pool with egg nog, Jacuzzi with hot toddy." "Martha Stewart and her attorney came and sang, "All I Want for Christmas is a Suspended Sentence."
"P.Diddy shot up the yule log."
"Billy Joel bought a 6-pack ack ack ack."
"Lizzie Grubman stopped by and backed over my nativity scene."
2003 - David Gest/Liza Minnelli break-up. "David Gest missed a court appearance because he was recuperating from being beaten up by Liza. He was picking sequins out of his wounds. He was hit so hard his eyebrows fell off."
And then he had a story about going to a chiropractor.
And then he had more in the next segment. The guy packs a whole lot into a few minutes.

Nathan Lane stars in the January 23rd release of "Win A Date With Tad Hamilton." He's also back on Broadway in "The Producers" at the St. James Theater. Broadway's "The Producers" is based on the movie. And now a movie is being planned on the Broadway play. It makes me dizzy thinking about it.

ACT 5: It's time for 'If They Had Pete Rose's Hair.'
Senator Hillary Clinton. (Sen. Clinton in Pete Rose's hair)
King of Pop, Michael Jackson. (Michael Jackson's most recent mug shot in Pete Rose's hair.)
And host of the Today show, Matt Lauer. (Matt Lauer in his own hair.)

RUBEN STUDDARD: He's the "American Idol" winner, from his debut CD "Soulful," Ruben sang "Sorry 2004."

And that was our show for Thursday, January 8, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

I've received many e-mails asking for access to the 2004 archives of the Wahoo Gazette. I passed that information on to Walter and Jay, they guys who know about such things. But what I don't understand is why you would even need the archive if you just make a copy of each issue and put it into your Wahoo Gazette binder like you are supposed to.

Happy Birthday, Elvis. Elvis is 69 years old today. If he died in 1977 like so many believe, he would have been dead for 26 and a half years now.

Did you watch "The Apprentice" Thursday night, the Donald Trump show? A lot of it was shot right around the theater. Right now as I watch, two teams of 8, boys against the girls, are trying to sell lemonade. A member of the team that makes the least money will be voted off. Oy vey.

It's been bugging me for 4 hours now. Somebody on the staff did a nice job on a project and was told he will probably have to do it again since he made it look so easy. I said to him, with my arms extended in front of me, wrists touching, and pain in my voice, ". . . . . . . did you have to be that good?!" The line came from a commercial many years back but I couldn't remember what the commercial was. I asked some of the older Late Show staffers if they knew. They all said it sounded familiar but they couldn't place it either. I can hear the syllables in my head but I can't hear the words. It has the beat of "Automobile Club of America, did you have to be that good?!" but it's not "Automobile Club of America." I think it's something with the same amount of syllables. I'm sure I'll remember it on my ride home tonight.

Friday's show: Billy Bob Thornton; comedian Charlie Hill; and The Darkness. Plus, Who's on cape?

And Will It Float? Item: A 50-pound bag of unpopped popcorn in a paper bag.

HEY! I now remember seeing the girls' team on "The Apprentice" trying to sell lemonade at 53rd and Broadway, northeast corner, a few weeks ago. I had no idea what they were trying to do. Watching this show now, I'm still not sure.