The newest Yankee, Randy Johnson, is on the show tonight. He made quite a splash in the Big Apple Monday when he was approached by a photographer with a video camera. The photographer shoved his camera in front of Randy and wanted to take a picture. Randy told him to get lost and pushed the camera away. The photo of Randy's hand in front of the camera lens was the front page of all the newspapers. It was supposed to make Randy Johnson look like an ornery jerk. Dave disagrees. A pitcher has one job to do and that is to win baseball games. The fans should respect that. No place does it say Randy Johnson has to accept being bullied into having his photo taken. Dave supports Randy Johnson in this matter. No apologies from Randy are necessary.
I agree. I always found photographers to be a very pushy sort. I find them annoying, aggressive, and obstinate. It is why I never refer to them as "paparazzi." Paparazzi gives them an air of panache and elan. They aren't. They are pushy, aggressive, and obstinate.

Dave's flu is worse than ever. Last night in order to get some rest he took some Tylenol Flu Night Time Gel Caps. He figured it would make him feel better and help him get to sleep. Hours later, still awake, he read the small print on the box. This night time formula has a possible side effect: "Excitability may occur." Excitability? For the night time formula? Dave can't understand how a night time formula has a side effect of "excitability." He was trying to get to sleep last night and found himself jumping on the bed doing jumping jacks at 3:00 AM in the morning! Excitability?

And because he feels so weak and flu-y, we have a guy backstage who sort of looks like Dave standing by just in case Dave needs someone to fill in. We see a shot of the guy. He sort of looks like Dave.

Four "60 Minutes" executives were fired as a result of the tainted Bush documents. It appears the mass dismissal left the folks at "60 Minutes" a little shorthanded. We take a look at the upcoming "60 Minutes."
We see a crudely drawn opening shot of the "60 Minutes" clock. A guy can be heard making the "tick tick tick" sound effects. An even cruder voice is heard, "This week on '60 Minutes,' an exclusive interview with the intern who brings Mike Wallace his morning oatmeal, plus Ed Bradley works out on his Nordic track. Only on '60 Minutes.'"

January is the time the PGA Tour makes its return. Golf is a great TV watch when there is nothing else on. Have you seen the PGA Tour promo they are running?

"Hey sports fans, the 2005 PGA Tour is here!" We see a nice flowing scene of a rolling golf course. We cut to a player lining up his drive. He takes his time before his swing. Takes his time. Standing there. Getting set. Waiting. Lining up his shot. Readjusting his grip. Readjusting his grip. Readjusting his grip. Standing there. Lining up his shot. Nothing more.
"The PGA Tour - feel the excitement!"

And have you seen the CBS promo congratulating Dave on his People's Choice Awards win from Sunday night? They've already put together a nice "atta boy" promo seen throughout the day on CBS. Dave hasn't seen it yet either but has a copy for us to look at. The voice is the same voice that does the Late Show promos during your local 11:00 news

"People's Choice voters have chosen David Letterman as their favorite late-night talk show host! What the 'givl' were they thinking? Then catch Craig!"

Everybody in New York is excited about the New York Jets. The upset the San Diego Chargers last week in San Diego and this Saturday they travel to Pittsburgh to play the powerful 15-1 Steelers. Our announcer Alan Kalter is obviously a big big fan. We cut to Alan who is dressed in his suit, but his face and hands are dyed New York Jets green. Dave asks Alan if he thinks the Jets will win this weekend.
Alan: "Sorry, Dave. I'm not much of a football fan.
Dave: "Oh. Then why exactly are you green?"
Alan: "I'm running for Ukrainian President and those bastards put dioxin in my soup!"
Alan stands. "Workers of the world - rise up! Vote Kalter and vote for a better Ukraine!"

Imagine that. Alan is running for President of the Ukraine. Dave is surprised he hasn't read that anywhere.

Dave goes back to the Randy Johnson incident. Today he officially became a New York Yankee. His first order of business was apologizing for pushing the camera man away. Dave says Randy should not have to apologize. All he should worry about is winning, and all New Yorkers should worry about is that he wins. Let the man walk the streets of New York City in peace.

TOP TEN: Proposed Changes at CBS News
#10. Stories must be corroborated by at leaset6 two really strong hunches.
#5. Concluded each story with comical 'boing' sound effect.

Dave takes a moment and says, "Do we have one of those? This is how it would sound." I pictured our sound effects guy Gary Kiffell whirling around in his seat in his closet-sized booth pressing all sorts of buttons. After a three seconds of waiting, we hear "BOING!" That's how long it takes for Gary Kiffell to find a sound effect on a whim . . . . 3 seconds.

#1. Use beer, cash and hookers to lure Tom Brokaw out of retirement.

RANDY JOHNSON: Randy enters and walks up to the camera, pushing it out of the way. Dave recaps how he thought the camera guy was wrong on Monday, ambushing Randy on the street that way. Randy apologizes again, but Dave tells him to stop. "It's the photographer who should be apologizing!" he advised Randy.
New York is excited to have the 6'10" Randy Johnson on their team this year. On the nights he pitches, he'll make the Yankees in the field as exciting as the Yankees at bat. The last Yankee pitcher who did that for me was Ron Guidry in 1978. Guidry ended up 25-3 that year. If he was 24-4, the Yankees wouldn't have made it to the Playoffs and win the World Series.
Randy has gained the reputation of being a bit on the ornery side but that shouldn't matter to Yankee fans. Just give us an honest effort every 5th day and that'll be fine. Randy's nickname is Big Unit. Dave asks about the origin of the name. Randy says a bit shyly, "I think it's pretty . . . . well . . . . self explanatory." Lots of giggles. Big Unit then comes clean and says it's because of his height.
Dave asks if there is a lot of pressure on him to lead the Yankees to the championship. Randy says he is just one piece of the puzzle and if the Yankees win the World Series it'll because of the 24 players on the team. Dave wonders, "On any given team, how many guys are really just dead wood?" Dave suggest 5 or 6 guys are just there taking up space. Randy laughs at Dave's question but assures everyone plays an important role on a team of 24.
Yankee Opening Day: April 3, Sunday night, Yankee Stadium vs. the World Series Champion Boston Red Sox - Randy Johnson vs. Curt Schilling. Does it come any better than that?

I'll have more about the Yankee Opening Day being on Sunday night in an upcoming Wahoo.

AISHA TYLER: She has a recurring role in the FOX hit, "24." She's also had a recurring role on "Friends" and was the host of "Talk Soup" some time back. She recently saw Flava Flav at the airport. Did you know Mr. Flav not only wears that big clock around his neck while performing but also when at the airport?
Last year around this time Aisha broke her elbow snowboarding. When you break your elbow, you can't put it in a cast because it'll heal that way in a locked position. Aisha had to grit it out and let the healing take place without a cast. She was reminded many times that she had a broken elbow, just about every time she met someone.
Aisha broke into show business as a stand-up comic. Lots of traveling around with a couple of guys in a van. They too were stand-ups. Living out of a van for any length of time and the van will eventually start to smell like dirty socks. I guess from dirty socks. And when you live in a van that smells like dirty socks, you too begin to smell like dirty socks. And you thought life on the road was exciting! Aisha - catch her on "24."

ACT 5: We see George Clarke deep in thought in the boiler room. We hear his thoughts:
George: "I'm so weak. Eleven days into 2005 and I've already broken my New Year's resolution. Look at me. I'm sitting alone in the boiler room, eating Duncan Hines cake frosting directly out of the tub. I disgust me. This time you're going to do something about it, George. No more junk food."
George sits there a few moments in silence. He then digs into the Duncan Hines cake frosting and starts eating.
George says: "I'm a weak, weak, man."

Razorlight: From the critically-acclaimed new CD, "Up All Night", Razorlight made their network television debut and performed "Golden Touch."

And that was our show for Tuesday, January 11, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

And that's not all. Now it's being reported that Bernard Kerik goes to Costco just for the free samples.

So I'm watching "Full House" with my 9-year-old twins girls the other night. A commercial comes on for a new Will Smith/Kevin James movie. Will Smith is trying to teach Kevin James how to dance. He explains, "You have to relax. Dancing is just like sex." Or he says something like that. Anyway, my Dominique looks up at me and asks, "Daddy, what is 'sex'?" Hoo boy. Here's a question I wasn't ready for quite yet. I scratch my head and try to remember. I tell her that sex is when a man and a woman do a lot of kissing in bed. I know, it wasn't that good of an explanation but it was the best I could do under the circumstances. Dominique thinks for a minute trying to understand my explanation, and then says, ". . . . so, when you kiss me good night . . . ." "NO!" I scream. "NO NO NO NO! That's not it at all!" I quickly try to put the genie back in the bottle but it's too late. I need to fix this up. I can just imagine Dominique telling her teacher about daddy. Yikes. I back track and tell her that sex is "when grown-ups, a man and his wife, a married couple, kiss a lot in bed." I add, "You won't have to worry about that for a long long time. Long long time." And so not to gross her out, I tell her it's what young married people do. No need for her to conjure up that image in her head. After "Full House," she and Danielle went to bed. I stayed up half the night wondering how much harm I did.

I'm looking for the 2nd biggest mall in America. From Joe Augitto of Hazelhurst, Wisconsin:

"Your 'second biggest mall' competition got me thinkin' about how people use figures to justify their claims. Some possible figures that could be used to justify such a claim include:
1. Second most gross square feet
2. Second most net square feet
3. Second most number of stores
4. Second largest site (including building parking and landscaping)
5. Second most retail sales dollars per year
6. Second most number of shoppers per year
See, nearly all malls can have a second most category to lure the unwary shoppers.

"According to the National Research Bureau, the top 4 malls ranked by gross leasable area (GLA) are:

1. Del Amo Fashion Centre, Torrance, CA 3.0M sq-ft.
2. Plaza and Court, King of Prussia, PA 2.9M
3. Sawgrass Mills, Sunrise, FL 2.7M
4. Mall of America, Bloomington, MN, 2.6M