COLD OPEN: We see Miss Hatcher emerging from her dressing room in only a towel to retrieve a piece a luggage in the hall. Uh oh. The towel becomes snagged on the dressing room door handle and it falls to the ground. Double uh oh. The door then slams behind her. She's locked out of her room . . . and she's nekkid. She looks up to see Dave coming around the corner of the hall. A surprised Dave stops in his tracks at the sight. Hummina hummina hummina.

To make the naked Teri Hatcher feel more comfortable during the shooting of the above, the Late Show crew was also naked.

LATE SHOW WEEK IN REVIEW: A lot happened this week. Let's take a look.
1. Pope Benedict XVI was formally installed at an open-air mass outside St. Peter's Basilica this week. Dave thinks this new Pope is going out of his way to reach out to the younger generation. Watch.
-We see the new Pope entering St. Peter's Basilica to the thumping sounds of "Are You Ready For This?" you often hear at basketball games.

2. Are you excited about the new "Star Wars" film? Dave has seen a clip and he's not all that impressed. We see the clip he's talking about.
- we see a Star Wars storm trooper. He cries out, "They're about to escape!" Camera widens to reveal he is standing on a New York City sidewalk. He hails a cab and gets away.
Ed.note: I may have to see Star Wars. I'm starting to get tired of not getting any of these jokes the past 25 years.

3. President Bush met with members of the Saudi Royal Family this week in an attempt to bring an end to the gas crisis. Now someone's trying to exploit the relationship. We see a commercial for DeBeers diamonds. Soft music. Scenes of romantic love. A scene of Bush and Abdullah walking hand in hand. DeBeers: Diamonds are forever.

4. CBS has a big 2-part Elvis movie beginning on May 8th. Here to tell us all about it, we welcome CBS Vice President of Late Night Programming, East Coast, Vinnie Favale.
DAVE: "Now, Vinnie, I'm confused. Are you the one who's playing Elvis?"
VINNE: "Ayyy, exactamundo! Originally it was supposed to be sexy newcomer Jonathan Rhys Meyers . . . but he was tragically run over by a car. I got the gig! Cheers!" (Vinnie opens a bottle of pills and gulps a bunch down)
DAVE: "But Vinnie, you look nothing like Elvis."
VINNIE: "Kiss my grits, Potzie!"
DAVE: "You might wanna work on that impression a little."
VINNIE: "Hey, ask me why I didn't see the men land on the moon."
DAVE: "Uh, Elvis, why didn't you see the men land on the moon?"
VINNIE: "I was screwing Angie Dickinson! She was a hellcat in the sack, D.L. Gone too soon."
DAVE: "Actually, I believe she's still alive."
VINNIE: "Hey, I saw you interviewing Farrah earlier this week. Settle a bet me and Les had --- you hittin' that?"
DAVE: "No, Vinnie, I'm not hitting that."
VINNIE: "You're such a woman, Letterman. (pulls out a cell phone) I'm gonna see if Farrah wants to pet the ol' Hound Dog." (EXITS)
DAVE: "Vinne Favale, ladies and gentlemen."

5. The Mesa, Arizona Police Department will soon be training a monkey to be on their S.W.A.T. team. It's an interesting idea, but I think they might be getting carried away. We see a clip of what Dave is talking about. We find a police officer sitting in his squad car doing what cops usually do . . . he's enjoying a cup of black coffee. A call comes over his radio: "Calling all cars. Calling all cars. All available units respond to a 10-31 in progress." The police officer quickly puts down his cup of Jo and looks over to his partner and say, "Come on, let's go. That's us!" Cut to see the officer's partner is a kitty cat in a S.W.A.T. vest. Cop and cat drive away with lights and siren.
The audience response to their seeing a kitty cat in a S.W.A.T. vest matched the scene of Sammy Davis, Junior kissing Archie Bunker . . . if you watched "All In The Family" on mute.

6. Word came out this week that Pat O'Brien is preparing to return to his job on "The Insider." He's also planning an appearance on "Dr. Phil" to discuss his phone sex scandal. Here with commentary is our own Alan Kalter.
ALAN: "Thanks, D.L. So, Pat, you left drunken voice mail messages to score drugs and party? Amateur. Listen, Hollywood, here's what you do if you want to get REALLY 'givl'-ing crazy. You don't decide to get drugs at 11"00 at night. The drugs must be scored early in the day so you're not wasting primo partying hours haggling with dealers. Secondly, you wanted to have a threesome? What is this . . . 1950, nerd? Any real man gets at least 4 women to satisfy him.
Lastly, never call hookers on the phone - it makes 'em feel cheap. No, you should always deal with hookers face-to-face. (Alan looks off camera) C'mon, gals, I'll show you why they call me 'The Insider.'" (Four lovely gals enter and surround Alan. They then exits together.)
DAVE: "Alan Kalter, ladies and gentlemen."

7. If you haven't been watching ABC's new police drama, 'Blind Justice,' get yourself checked out. It's the best show on television. It's about a police officer who fights crime even though he is sightless. Here's a clip form this week's episode. We see the blind Detective Dunbar about to issue a driver a summons along with a lecture.
DUNBAR: "Caught you red-handed, didn't I, my lead-footed friend. So, you think you can flout our traffic laws and drive like a bat out of Hades?! Well, you have another thing coming, amigo. (driver slowly starts to drive away) My acute senses have alerted me to your heinous infraction and now it is time to pay the piper! Yes, you've been served two heaping scoops of blind justice!" (the car and driver are now gone. Detective Dunbar "hands" the summons to the now non-existent driver and it drops to the ground.)

And that was our Week in Review.

WILL IT FLOAT: Tonight's item: a 40-pound bag of all-purpose fertilizer. What is its packaging? It is in a plastic bag.
Paul immediately says it will float. Dave follows Paul's lead and says it will float, too. Dave asks the audience who respond immediately with what sounded like "flo-inks." Dave was amused at how involved and how quickly the audience responded. The girls drop the 40-pound bag of all-purpose fertilizer into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . SINKS! And it sinks hard. Dave laughs at how wrong they were, asking Paul "Why did you think it would float?" Paul is bewildered and can only say, 'It sank like a bag of 'djoy.'"

TOP TEN - Signs You're At A Bad Casino - earlier this week, casino magnate Steve Wynn opened his lavish $2.7 billion casino and hotel in Las Vegas. Paul asks Dave, "And what is it called?" Dave answers, "Wynn Las Vegas." I added "Wynn Las Vegas" to the blue card at the last second. . . just in case.
#10. Your full house loses to the dealer's six-of-a-kind.
#9. They're playing Will It Float in the lobby with a bag of fertilizer.
#7. Has strict no-gambling policy.
#6. Advertises that its slot machines are "almost as loose as your wife."
#2. No rat pack, but there are packs of rats.

TERI HATCHER: One of the "Desperate Housewives." Watching Dave's elated reaction to the entrance song by Paul, I made a closer listen. It was Warren Zevon's "Desperados Under the Eaves." Dave looks over to Paul and gives a "Nice job, Paul."
Is it true that the housewives don't get along? Oh, I hope so. I, and millions like me, sort of get a kick out of struggling actors who finally hit it big, and then blow it all by acting like too big a star. Will these housewives meet this fate? I don't know. I'll ask my wife. She watches the show.
According to Teri, the rumors of the ill will is just that; rumors. They all get along fine in this most exciting moment in their lives. Dave then sighs and asks, "So why are these women so desperate?" Teri laughs and answers after a moment's thought: "Because their not all sitting here with you." Ding ding ding ding. Right answer! Nice going, Teri.
Dave says when he first started to get successful in this business, he lived in a neighborhood such as the one in "Desperate Housewives." He never saw one bit of desperation. Teri thinks Dave wasn't looking hard enough.
Teri says she recently went whale watching with her 7-year-old daughter. While out in the middle of the ocean in a small boat, they met up with 1000 dolphin. My ears perked when I heard her say "1000 dolphin" and not "dolphins." After some thought I came to think that she was right. But I still had to confirm. I checked the dictionary. I couldn't tell from the dictionary entry. I did some Googling. It seems the plural for dolphin is "dolphins." Still, I like and will use "1000 dolphin" if and when the situation ever arises.
Anyway, back to her story. There were about 1000 dolphins swimming in the ocean and right in the middle was this huge humpback whale. The whale approached the boat and rose out of the water and looked at them. It continued to, as Teri put it, "romance" the boat and it was a thrilling experience. Dave and Teri then had a discussion of Humpback vs. the California Gray Whale.
Teri was on one of the Barbara Walter specials when Teri's sex life came up in discussion. During her interview with Ms. Walters, it came out that it had been a while since Teri had sex. Dave thought it totally rude of her to ask such things. (Come to think of it, now I understand how Barbara gets people to cry all the time.)
I haven't seen the "Desperate Housewives" yet. I'll think I'll hold off until Howie Long makes an appearance. For a while there, Teri and Howie were the hottest thing on TV since Garner/Hartley.

Back from commercial, Dave reads some info he received based on his whale-talk with Teri. If you want to know more about Gray whales and the Humpback, check out these:
http://www.bigsurcalifornia.org/whalesgray.html
http://www.bigsurcalifornia.org/whalehumpback.html

Dave mentions that Lisa Marie Presley was once married to Michael Jackson. Dave remembers that when the news first came out about the marriage, it was accompanied by a constant thumping noise. Later we learned it was Elvis turning over in his grave. We had Lisa Marie on our show not too long ago, but Dave couldn't get himself to ask "THE" question. But Oprah, she's a real pro, when Lisa Marie Presley was on HER show, Oprah DID ask THE question. The question? Did Lisa Marie and Michael "do it?" We see a clip from the Oprah show of that question. . . . and the audience reaction.
We see Oprah asking Lisa Marie about her marriage to Michael Jackson. Oprah asks, "Was it a consummated marriage?" Lisa Marie responds, "Yeah." The audience erupts into shouts of disgust and disbelief. The screaming and carrying on lasted for minutes.
Although the screaming lasted for minutes, the mental pictures, unfortunately, will last forever.

ACT 5: A Reminder: This Sunday is May Day, and there's never been a better time to join the Communist Party. Be part of the proud tradition shared by such Commies as Leonid Brezhnev, Joseph Stalin, and Jim Belushi. Contact your local representative today and tell 'em, 'I wanna be a Commie!'"

HARRY HILL: You know the guy. He's the guy who's always asking, "Do you like the lining? Do you like the lining?" He's wacky, all right.
- "Whenever there is a knock on the door, my dog runs to the door and starts to bark and bark. It's never for him."
Back me up.
Quack quack. Quack quack.
Back me up.
Harry will be appearing a the Regent's Park Open Air Theater in London, England on June 12th in his show entitled, "Hooves."

And that was our show for Friday, April 29, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

President Bush held a press conference the first night of TV's all-important ratings period. This makes the networks reluctant to show the press conference, preferring to go with their regular programming. I've become suspicious. I seem to recall he did this once before on the first night of Sweeps. I'll let you know when I know.

After a quick check on the Google . . . DING! On Thursday, November 4, 2004, the President held a prime time press conference on the first day of the November Sweeps. Hmmm.

During the Week in Review when Alan Kalter exited with the bevy of women on his arm, I suggested he return for Will It Float smeared in lipstick. "Too jokey" I was told. I was thinking the same thing but threw it out there anyway. Many of my "not sure" suggestions have been met with "excellent idea." Other times they have been met with blank stares.

A good job by the Control Room Friday night when Dave mistakenly threw away one of the blue cards during the Week In Review. This screwed up the sequence of tape rolls. We were all set up to roll a certain video clip when he introduced a different video clip. Many of us were holding our breath when Dave said, "Watch this." Was the Control Room aware that Dave was introducing the wrong clip? Of course they were! They're Emmy winners! A big "phew" was felt by all.

We may be doing Mother's Day Cards next week. It's penciled in for Wednesday. Let's see how you can do writing a Late Show Mother's Day card. Send in your best, max of 3, and I'll fill Wahoo space by showcasing them here. Examples of Mother's Day cards from the past:
2003
-Lay off the collagen, you look like a blowfish
-Keep doing the laundry and I'll keep telling you I Love You
-I can't comment on how I hope your day is, Mom --- from your son, Ari Fleischer

2004
-Happy Mother's Day --- assuming you're still alive
-Do I have to send you a card when you're senile?
-I love you mom, but I'm still messed up from the time I saw you naked

Write yours with the above in mind.

THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY HISTORY
April 29, 1997: Craig MacTavish, the last remaining player to appear in the NHL without a helmet, announced his retirement after 17 seasons.