While billboarding the show, Dave notices his phone is blinking. Who can it be? He isn't expecting anyone. He picks it up and says hello. We hear on the other end: "Hey, Dave, Mike here from Kew Gardens. First-time, long-time. Just wanted to say Cashman's a genius for trading for Leiter. What do you think our chances are of getting Burnett from the Marlins or Schmidt from the Giants?"
A bewildered Dave says, "I think you have the wrong number."
Guy on the other phone says, "Screw you, jackass."
Do you know the sound you hear in a vacuum? Well, that's the sound you heard following the phone call. And if this makes it on the show, I'll be very surprised and very very happy.

Before we go any further, Dave needs to take care of some safety issues. It's time to put away the Late Show bear. Tonight's honors go to Biff Henderson. Biff fights with the grizzly Grizzly and shoves the beast away behind the door. I think we all feel a lot safer.

Dave's been some brainstorming during his downtime. He's decided to come up with a new slogan, a new catch-phrase for himself: "Been there, done that."

LATE SHOW WEEK IN REVIEW
#1. Vice President Dick Cheney had his annual physical this week. Take a look at what they found.
Announcer:

"The Vice President has a small dilation of the arteries, a swollen esophagus, and that he's been dead since 2003. Dick Cheney - live fast, die young, leave a good-looking corpse."

#2. Companies are always trying to come up with new seasonal products, but this is just ridiculous. Dave holds up a container of Ben & Jerry's Charcoal Chunk and Cream. He opens the container to reveal the charcoal. Dave says before the show, he was warned not to eat the charcoal. That mistake was made once before.

#3. It's been a hot hot July. The entire country has been experiencing a heat wave and it's out of control. Dave has a clip from the Weather Channel which shows exactly what he's talking about. We see a woman giving the forecast. She suddenly explodes in a burst of flames. But it's not the explosion . . it's the humidity.

#4. Gasoline prices are going sky-high, creating alternate forms of transportation. We take a look at a typical scene in New York this week. We see a businessman hailing a ride out on Broadway. A hot dog vendor pushes his cart up to the corner and the businessman jumps on the cart. "LaGuardia Airport!" says the businessman. And off they go.

#5. Did you know that a third of all people eat in their cars at least once a week? That's why Taco Bell unveiled a brand new menu item meant for people who spend a lot of time in the cars. We take a look at the announcement they have been running.
Announcer:

"Taco Bell is proud to introduce the new Crunchwrap Supreme (photo of Crunchwrap Supreme)
-the perfect 'on-the-go' menu item to eat while driving! (many photos of guy at wheel of car eating Crunchwrap Supreme)
-So sink your teeth into the delicious seasoned beef, creamy nacho cheese sauce, cool sour cream and crisp lettuce and tomatoes
-(photo of guy eventually changes to him with hands in the air, mouth wide open in terror as if he is about to go of a cliff) all in crunchy tostada shell.
-(bunch of people by a gravesite) Taco Bell. Think outside the bun."

Back from commercial, Dave asks Paul about country music. Dave heard a song on the radio, "I'm Gonna Hire a Whino to Decorate My Home."

WILL IT FLOAT? Tonight's item: A 5-quart bucket of strawberry gelato. Gelato? Alan describes it as having sherbet in it. Dave questions the assertion. Sherbet? And how much does it weigh? Alan says it is in a 5-quart bucket. But how much does it weigh? Alan does not know but says "30 pounds" or something like that. Dave doubts that too. Dave then mumbles some limerick, like "A pint is a pound and a pound is a pint" or something like that and the conversation then leads to how many pints in 5 quarts? Well, things broke down fast when the initial calculation of "4 pints in a quart" was incorrect by two times. The math and physics being bandied about was a bit embarrassing. The problem was we were mixing liquid measure with a measure of weight, basically, ounces. 16 ounces in a pint. 16 ounces in a pound. When ounces is used as a measure of weight, 16 ounces of mercury obviously weighs the same as 16 ounces of water. When ounces is used as a liquid measure, 16 ounces of mercury weighs a whole lot more of 16 ounces of water. But back to our show.
Tonight's item: a 5-quart bucket of strawberry gelato.
And what are we playing for? An above ground pool!
Dave says it will sink. I forget what Paul said.
The Will It Float models drop the 5-quart bucket of gelato into the Will It Float tank, and it . . . . . FLOATS!

TOP TEN - Slogans for the New Gay Soda - A group in Norway have created a soft drink called, "Homo Light."
Dave advises that his slogan of "Been there, done that" does not apply in this case.
#9. More fun than a marriage to Liza Minnelli
#7. Do the Dew . . . when you're not doing your pal Steve.
#5. You've got the right one, baby . . . no, grab the left one.
#2. Bottoms up!
#1. Buy it in the bottle, or take it in the can.

TOM ARNOLD: WOW! He got real skinny! Tom says he's recently lost 70 pounds. His high was near 300. Right now he's about 205. He does a lot of the cardio and runs on the treadmill. To do the film, "Happy Endings," Tom had to quit smoking cigars and with his new exercise routine, he's in the best health of his life. His doctor took him off his blood pressure medication. Unfortunately, his great health hasn't made his wife happy. She keeps sending him back for more tests. Tom says his doctor is ecstatic with the results; though Tom's wife for some reason is terribly disappointed.
Tom has been getting good reviews in his "Happy Endings" role. Like I said the other day with Maggie Gyllenhaal, the movie intrigues me and I would eventually like to see it. Maybe when my girls are at a sleepover or something.
"Happy Endings" - now playing in selected cities. Look for it.

ACT 5: It's time for the Late Show George Clooney Age Scramble!
Can you unscramble this number to get George Clooney's current age?
(the number "44" appears)
Give up? If you said "44", you win! Way to go! This has been the Late Show George Clooney Age Scramble!

JESSICA BIEL: She's in the film, "Stealth." It opens July 29th. The 23-year-old Jesscia lives in Los Angeles and she likes to barbecue at the house. And she likes to have her girlfriends over for run. Dave eyes glaze over and says with a dream, "And then it gets hot and you have to get into the pool . . . ."
One of Jessica's first acting gigs was a commercial for Pringles potato chips. In order to get the job, she had to place a Pringle on the side of her cheek and roll it down to her mouth to eat it. She was able to do it then . . . but can she do it now? Dave has some Pringles behind the desk and we find out. Jessica puts on one her cheek; Dave on his. We watch and learn that Jessica could still be in a Pringle commercial. Unfortunately, Dave couldn't. Dave asks about her new movie, "Stealth": "Did you have to roll anything for that?" Funny man, he is. "Stealth" - it opens next Friday.

And that was our show for Friday, July 22, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

HEY! I got my first tomato from the garden yesterday. I planted them kind of late so I'm just getting them now. I have 5 or 6 pots on the deck, that's my garden, sprouting the tomato plants. I have to rubber-band them down so they don't topple over now that they've become so top heavy with tomatoes. In another week I'll be getting a dozen of plum tomatoes a day. Are they plum tomatoes? I don't know, but they are the small ones. Does that make them "plum"? In the backyard, I have my upside-down tomato plants. They haven't produced anything yet but I do see some flowers sprouting. I read about the upside-down tomatoes on the internet. How do you plant upside-down tomatoes? When the regular tomato plant becomes about a foot high, I transplant it to a bucket. How do I do that? I cut out a hole in the bottom of the bucket and placed a coffee filter over the hole. I turned the bucket right-side up filled the bucket with dirt and put on the lid. I cut a hole in the lid, too. I placed a coffee filter over the inside of this top hole, too. So now we got a bucket with a hole on each end, the dirt kept from falling out by the coffee filters. I turn the bucket upside down and place the one-foot plant into the hole, making a slit in the coffee filter for the plant to get through. I hang the bucket on a pole in the backyard and the plant grows through the bottom. I remove the filter from the top hole and that's how I water it. No digging involved and it takes up little yard space. We'll see how these tomatoes end up. I'll keep you posted.

I received this e-mail from Carl Clark of Columbus, Ohio the other day:

"Mike, can you confirm what I think I saw during the opening of the All-Star Game telecast? It happened fast, but I believe that in one of the clips they showed from the new 'Bad News Bears,' a right-handed Billy Bob Thornton tells a left-handed-hitting kid that he's going to throw him a screwball and that the ball is going to break TOWARD him. Did you notice this mistake?"

And the other day when vamping, I referred to a movie as a "flick." It suddenly dawned on me that it's called a "flick" because the film flickers through the projector. I didn't know if this was the actual origin but it made sense to me at that moment.
From Deb Watson of Des Moines, Iowa:

"Yeah, 'flick' comes from 'flicker.' But it referred to the fluctuation of the light onto the screen--the light flickering--and not to the sound the film made while running through the projector. There used to be a TV show called "Fractured Flickers." Done by the "Rocky & Bullwinkle" folks. I hadn't thought of that in years. I'll have to see if I can find it on DVD. Funny, funny series. I think Hans Conried was the host."