It’s time to put away the LATE SHOW Bear. Safety first, you know. Tonight, doing the honors, the LATE SHOW models Andrea and Rute’. Viewing that, Dave says that reminded him of something he saw on TV years ago in Amsterdam. Mmmm. I imagine someone who can grab some still shots of Andrea and Rute’ fighting and struggling and sweating with the bear would have a field day putting a stack together.

Dave advises that putting away the LATE SHOW Bear has become very popular and he has received much mail thanking us for the service. It’s greatly appreciated by many many viewers and non-viewers alike.

Hey, we have a visitor with us tonight. It’s Johnny, the Oldest CBS Page. He’s been a page for 38 years. Dave thinks it would be a good idea to introduce him and chat for a few minutes.

DAVE: “Please welcome Johnny, the oldest CBS Page.”
(Johnny enters. He’s in his 50s. He’s lost all the pleasantness one would expect from an eager Page.)
DAVE: “So, Johnny, how’s it going?”
JOHNNY: “Eh, relationship trouble. Things with the little lady ended last night.”
DAVE: “Oh, I’m sorry. What was the trouble?”
JOHNNY: “Well, there was an age disparity. She was 42, but the good stuff looked 65.”
(Johnny laughs and lights up a cigarette. He continues.)
“Hey, how about that Jude Law?”
DAVE: “I don’t know.”
JOHNNY: “Yeah, bangin’ the nanny. Good gig, bangin’ the friggin’ nanny. Sign me up . . . that dumb ‘djoy.’”
(The Wahoo Gazette does not print expletives. To decipher, simply look to the left of each letter in ‘djoy’ on your keyboard)
DAVE: “Johnny, are you all right?”
JOHNNY: “Dave, I feel like you look. Listen to this crap. I rent a timeshare near the Poconos. I’m there one day . . . I find a tick the size of a nickel on my ass.”
DAVE: “Ouch, you gotta be careful with that.”
JOHNNY: “Thanks for the tip, Einstein. Same thing happened to my Uncle Jimmy. He’s out in the woods chasin’ some broad from Wal-Mart – three days later he goes (raspberry sound) tits up.” (raspberry sound) “Tits up.”
DAVE: “I’m sorry to hear that. So, what do you have planned for the weekend?”
JOHNNY: “I’m gonna compete in a chili cook-off.”
DAVE: “Oh, that sounds like great fun.”
JOHNNY: “I’m jerkin’ your pipe. I’m gonna get drunk and make some calls. Wish me luck.” Yells to Paul – “Hit it, whistlenuts.” Johnny sings “The Lady is a Tramp.” Then exits.

LATE SHOW WEEK IN REVIEW.
There’s been a lot of discussion this week about how the steroid suspension will affect Rafael Palmeiro’s legacy. It seems like everyone feels the need to weigh in. We take a look at what Dave saw this week.

Announcer: “In light of Rafael Palmeiro’s testing positive for steroids, many wonder whether he will still be inducted into the Hall of Fame. 5 to 1 says he doesn’t get in. A message from Pete Rose.”

“Current TV,” a cable channel founded by Al Gore debuted this week. Critics have been skeptical of the channel’s promise to be non-partisan, and after tuning in, Dave can see why. We see a promo for the Current TV network.

Announcer: “Coming up this afternoon on Current TV: news from around the globe on ‘Current International,’ followed by the latest financial headlines on ‘Currency Now.’ But first another episode of ‘America’s Wackiest George W. Bush Moments.” We see various shots of Bush bumping his head, stumbling, dropping a dog, and spitting. That’s our President. He’s currently on a 5-week vacation."

Announcer: “From the network that brought you ‘The Shield’ and ‘Rescue Me’ comes TV’s grittiest new drama: ‘Over There.’ Don’t miss this unflinching look at the bravery, camaraderie and brutal savagery of life on the front lines of war.
(Show clip from “On The Town” with Gene Kelly, Jules Munshin, and Frank Sinatra in sailor uniforms gleefully singing “New York, New York” atop the Empire State Building.)
‘Over There’: Wednesdays on FX.”

Announcer: “Coming soon to Iraqi TV: The trial of Saddam Hussein! Sponsored by – Hanes Briefs. Hanes keeps you cool and comfortable even under intense questioning about your atrocities. Check your local listings for the trial of Saddam Hussein. Plus, meet Saddam at the grand opening of the new Baghdad Hanes store on August 27th. Please, no Kurds or Shiites.”

And that was our week in review.

Dave has some samples of mail received concerning the LATE SHOW Bear.

Dear Dave,
I wanted to share my story with you. Last month I turned 100. Things were not well. My kids and grandkids wouldn’t call or visit. Thanks to you putting away the Late Show Bear, we have never been closer. Thank you, Dave, you make life worth living.
- Penelope Watkins, Pelham, New York

Dear Mr. Letterman,
I am a fan of the show and a grandmother.
You are doing the right thing by putting away that mean rabid bear.
It teaches the young people responsibility and hopefully keeps them out of street gangs.
God bless you.
- Rita Langley, Brandenton, Florida.

Dear David Letterman,
I am 87. I watch you because I can’t sleep. The only happiness I get in my life is seeing you stick it to that bear. I’m tired of his bull-‘djoy.’
- Marion Butler, Phoenix, Arizona
P.S. Is Alan single?

BUT WAIT!!!!

The 1-gallon plastic jug of Palmolive Dish Washing Liquid hits the bottom of the "Will It Float?" tank and slowly starts to rise back up. It floats to the surface, then slowly begins to sink again. Then, there, it remains suspended in mid-water. If we remained on the shot, we would have seen the 1-gallon plastic jug of Palmolive Dish Washing Liquid slowly rise to the top. IT FLOATS!!!

TOP TEN: Signs Martha Stewart is Losing It
Her home detention was increased by 3 weeks after she was found riding around her property in an off-terrain vehicle and by attending yoga classes.
#6. Hasn’t slapped an underling in weeks.
#5. Recently purchased the mummified remains of Julia Child.
#4. Old catchphrase: “It’s a good thing.” New catchphrase: “Get off my property or I’ll cut you.”

RICKY GERVAIS: Wow. Why can’t everybody be as funny as Mr. Gervais. Many of his jokes are under his breath. You have to listen. He’s sort of like Popeye in that way. The old Popeye, the one in black and white. I first became aware of Ricky Gervais, as most of us did, from his BBC hit show, The Office. It was so good, it makes you hate just about everything else on TV. The show won Ricky many Awards. Does it get tiring or boring winning so many awards? Ricky says “not at all. The scrap metal goes for big bucks.”

Now that he’s a known, he finds himself in many celebrity polls. One poll found him one of the men women secretly find attractive. He says that’s an insult in disguise. He explains there’s a fine line between keeping a secret and being ashamed. He was also a subject in a look-alike contest. The winner, according to Ricky, looked nothing like him. It was just a fat guy. Says Ricky, “he was about 220 pounds, but other than that, he looked nothing like me.” The guy waddled up to the podium the way fat people do and the presenter says, “You even walk like Ricky Gervais!”

Ricky was also involved in the Live 8 concert. Ricky says it was the largest viewed concert in the world. It was an attempt to force the World Powers to forgive the Third World Debt. Ricky wonders how they got into debt in the first place, ‘there are no shops around!” Ricky adds that he only does charity work if there’s something in it for him.

We learn that Ricky was once a member of a two-man “rock” group called Seona Dancing back in the early 80s. We take a listen to his single, “Bitter Heart.”

Ricky Gervais: his animated feature, Valiant, opens August 19th. His HBO series, Extras, premieres September 25th.

ACT 5: Does your house pet dress in a manner that’s too revealing? Are you embarrassed to be seen with them in public? If so, we’d like you to appear on the upcoming show, “My Pet Dresses Like a Slut!” Simply send in a photograph of your slutty pet to:
My Pet Dresses Like A Slut!
1697 Broadway
Suite 1428
New York, NY 10022
Thank you and we look forward to seeing you and your slutty pet on the LATE SHOW.

THE KNITTERS. From their CD, The Modern Sounds of The Knitters, The Knitters performed “Burning House of Love.”

And that was our show for Friday, August 12, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

It looks like New York will have a fun Senate run this fall. Going up against Hillary Clinton will be Westchester District Attorney Jeanine Pirro. Both have husbands with a questionable past. I don’t really care who wins. I just want to be entertained.

I was asked to make this Wahoo short. Vacation is knocking and the boys in the website room want to get going. I tend to be a rebel of sorts, leaning left when those above say go right, but in this case I’ll heed their suggestion.

And if you think this Wahoo is brief, wait till you see . . . . uhhh, yesterday’s Wahoo. Oh, nevermind.

UPCOMING PREVIOUSLY VIEWED LATE SHOW PROGRAMS
MONDAY, August 15:
From June 22; Show #2386: Michael Keaton, David Sedaris. Rupert introduces the Frozen Fruit Whippy
TUESDAY, August 16:
From July 26; Show #2400: Jamie Foxx and Pauly Shore. Alan Kalter runs into trouble putting away the LATE SHOW Bear.
WEDNESDAY, August 17: From April 25: Farrah Fawcett; Martin Freeman.
THURSDAY, August 18: From June 23: Tom Cruise; Ben Folds. Audience Show and Tell
FRIDAY, August 19: From May 13: Samuel L. Jackson; Sting. Late Show Week in Review.
MONDAY, August 22: From May 19: Ellen DeGeneres; Hot Hot Heat.
TUESDAY, August 23: From July 18: Billy Bob Thornton; Jermanie Dupri; Dave’s mom. And “Biff’d”
WEDNESDAY, August 24: From May 23: Paul Newman; Danica Patrick. Mythbusters
THURSDAY, August 25: From June 24: Tim Robbins; Nick Griffin; Junior Dog Agility Challenge
FRIDAY, August 26: From July 25: John Cusack; All American Rejects.

Check your Wahoo Archives and make your plans accordingly.