It’s time for America’s fastest growing quiz sensation, Know Your Current Events.
I missed much of KYCE tonight. I was busy putting together a last second blue card.
The categories tonight:
Know Your Current Events
Know Your Cuts of Meat
Know Your FEMA Director Michael Brown
Know Your NFL Strength and Conditioning Coaches
Know Your Chief Justices
Know Your Tennis Babes

KYCE #1: Greg from Richmondtown, Pennsylvania. He’s a cook. His last job was in Bryn Mawr. He’s currently looking for a job. Hey, there may be a position opening up as director of FEMA. No experience necessary! Greg’s favorite food: Grilled fish. Greg’s choice of KYCE category: Know Your Cuts of Meat.
Meat 1: beef chuck flanken style ribs. Greg had a hard time with that one. Dave coached him, pointing out that he was pointing out the answer.
Meat 2: Veal shoulder arm roast
Meat 3: Pork Loin Sirloin Chops

KYCE #2: Matt from Virginia. He now lives in Australia. He’s here with his girlfriend. I think I heard this part but I’m not sure. Dave asks where they met. He says Las Vegas. “And what were you doing in Vegas?” Matt answers, “Drinking.” I think that’s what happened. Sizing up the situation, Dave decides he would rather play with Matt’s girlfriend, Katie. The category chosen: Know Your Tennis Babes.
Question #1: “Now does Maria Sharapova respond when people compare her to other tennis players?”
Answer: “I’m not the next anyone. I’m the first Maria Sharapova.”
Question #2: “What is Russian tennis babe Dinara Safina’s favorite racket?”
Answer: “The Babolat pure control Zylon.”

KYCE #3: Erin from Dubuque, Iowa. She’s a vegetarian. But she eats chicken. Huh? What, just the feathers? I don’t think she fully understands. When you order the Chicken/Vegetable at the Chinese Take-Out, it’s actually Chicken AND vegetable. Her category: Know Your FEMA Director Michael Brown.
Question #1: What is Michael Brown’s official title?
Answer: Under Secretary of Emergency Preparedness and Response.
Question #2: Did Michael D. Brown quit his post as Judges and Stewards Commissioner for the International Arabian Horse Association?
Answer: No, he was forced out.

Oh, hey, there’s Vicki.
Vicki: “Hey, check it out, dude. Hey hey hey. What’s not to love! Let me ask you something Mr. Crawford, how is the go going?”
“Hey Mr. Crawford, since you’re playing Stump the Band, I was wondering if I could sing a song.”
“Everybody was Kung Fu fighting.”
Vicki reads from her notes the words to "Kung Fu Fighting." I’m not sure if they were the actual lyrics, and if they were, what part of the song she recited. In either case, here’s the actual lyrics to "Kung Fu Fighting."

Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightning
But they fought with expert timing

They were funky China men from funky Chinatown
They were chopping them up and they were chopping them down
It's an ancient Chinese art and everybody knew their part
From a feint into a slip, and kicking from the hip

Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightning
But they fought with expert timing

There was funky Billy Chin and little Sammy Chung
He said here comes the big boss, lets get it on
We took a bow and made a stand, started swinging with the hand
The sudden motion made me skip now we're into a brand knew trip

Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightning
But they did it with expert timing

(repeat)..make sure you have expert timing
Kung-fu fighting, had to be fast as lightning

And that was KYCE.

Earlier on Friday, all the networks had a telethon to raise money for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. We continued to show phone numbers and website addresses throughout the show for your continued support. During the networks’ “Shelter From the Storm: A Concert For the Gulf Coast” benefit concert, Paul Shaffer performed with Garth Brooks, “Who’ll Stop The Rain.” Also performing from New York City and Los Angeles were Sheryl Crow, the Dixie Chicks, Paul Simon, Rod Stewart, Alicia Keys, Randy Newman, Neil Young, and more.

The phone number: 866-424-3669 (866-4-AID-NOW).
Websites: Red Cross --- www.RedCross.org
Salvation Army --- www.salvationarmyUSA.org

Before we go any further, let’s take care of safety. Putting away the LATE SHOW Bear tonight: Paul Shaffer’s assistant Daniel Fetter. We cut to the bear’s den to find the young but able Dan Fetter struggling to put the hyperphagiac bear away. Oh, my! The bear overtakes Fetter and rambles through the undergrounds of the theater. The bear makes it up stairs and out to 53rd Street, frightening scores of interns and staffers hired to look scared and frightened. The LATE SHOW Bear then hails a cab and off he goes.

You know, I think I’ve just about played along with this LATE SHOW Bear stuff long enough. It’s just so unbelievable now and I can’t pretend anymore. I mean, who can get a New York City cab that fast? And on a side street!? C’mon, man. It’s so fake!

Before becoming head of FEMA, Michael Brown saw the commissioner of the International Arabian Horse Association. In fact, he’s been using this fact to respond to some of his most ardent critics. We see the clip.

Announcer: “As commissioner of the International Arabian Horse Association, Michael Brown provided steady, level-headed leadership in moments of extreme crisis. For instance, when Peanuts (photo of a horse) was hungry and the stable had run out of oats, what did Michael Brown do? He ordered more oats. Nice goin’, Brownie! Michael Brown. On top of any Arabian horse-related crisis.”

Announcer: “As is his wont, President Bush would affectionately refer to FEMA director Michael Brown as “Brownie.” In light of recent events, however, President Bush has decided to change his personal nickname for Mr. Brown to “clueless asshole.” Bushie, fast on his feet, cool in a crisis.”

ACT 5: Shelter from the Storm:
The phone number: 866-424-3669 (866-4-AID-NOW).
Websites: Red Cross --- www.RedCross.org
Salvation Army --- www.salvationarmyUSA.org

JAMES BLAKE: He’s the new sensation in Men’s tennis. He made it to the quarterfinals in this year’s U.S. Open but lost to Andre Agassi in a monumental match. I watched a bit of it Wednesday night but fell asleep when it rolled into Thursday. The match ended after 1:00 A.M. But the real story is what he had to go through last year to get to this point. Last year in a tournament in Rome, he broke his neck running into a net post. A few weeks after that, his father died of stomach cancer. James says there was a good side to breaking his neck in that it gave him time to spend with his father. They said a lot of things that may have gone unsaid. He treasures those moments that he never would have had if he were still on tour at the time. And a few weeks after that he came down with shingles, resulting in partial paralysis of his face. Of course, Dave also suffered from the shingles. Dave believes many think him to be a whining sissy because he complained so much about his shingles. Dave is more than happy to have James, a big burly strong athlete, talk about the pain from shingles. James says, “Breaking my neck was nothing compared to the shingles.” Ahhhh, music to Dave’s ears. Though he’s sorry about James’ pain from the shingles, he is relieved to finally receive confirmation as to the incredible pain it can bring.

When I was reading about the upcoming match between Blake and Agassi, I noticed how they each shared great admiration for each other. It made me think back to what John McEnroe said about the state of tennis today: “The top players are all likable. There are no ‘bad guys.’” Without a villain, according to Mac, the fiery fury doesn’t come out in the competition. It’s there; it just isn’t easily visible for the media to exploit. It’s hard to work that angle when everyone is so nice to each other.

James Blake – I have a new guy to root for in tennis. And he’s from YONKERS!

And that was our show for Friday September 9, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

FEMA director Michael Brown is no longer in New Orleans. He was sent back to Washington D.C. Unfortunately, he can’t read a map and he’s now someplace in Iowa.

In New Jersey, some high schools now require students in their junior year to do 15-30 hours of community service. The governor just signed a bill and is promoting the idea. Hmmm. How about requiring teachers to do community service, too? And police officers. And firemen. And town workers. And the unemployed. And hotel workers. And supermarket workers. And . . . oh, hold it. Those people vote. High school juniors don’t. I participated in 3 high school sports my junior year in high school. Would that go towards my community service responsibility? The community could come watch the teams perform. And how about those in the high school band? And in the talent show. And in the theater. I’m not sure about this community service requirement, although on the surface it may look like a good idea. I’m still undecided on this.

Note to Ronnie: Nope.

So, how much longer before we start having the big 9/11 sales at Target, Sears, and Wal-Mart? It’s not here yet, but I’m afraid it may be coming. And I don’t mean specifically Target, Sears, and Wal-mart. I mean stores in general.

That’s it for today. I’m heading over to McHale’s for lunch at 46th and 8th for a burger and a beer . . . I mean, a soda.

Speaking of soda, I was in an elevator the other day and I asked two Canadians what they called “soda.” They each said, “Pop.” Weight in, please. Soda? Pop? Tonic? Soft drink? What do you call it and where are you from?

Hey, Mr. President, can I be FEMA director next?