Everyone appearing on the LATE SHOW will receive a Big Beef Dinner!

Safety First. It’s time to put away the LATE SHOW Bear. It’s gotta be done. You may not think so because you don’t work here, but believe me, when I see that bear put away I breathe a sigh of relief. Putting the bear away tonight: Lorne Greene. We cut to the basement of the theater to find the LATE SHOW bear waiting for Mr. Greene. The bear waits a long time. How long would we, and the bear, wait for the Lorne? Just as it started to get a bit more than a little uncomfortable, the bear retreats to his den. Lorne never showed up. And he won’t get paid.

Sponsoring the LATE SHOW Bear tonight: FedEx. “Relax. It’s FedEx.”

Hey! It’s Tuesday, time to go to Rupert’s. We find Rupert in his Hello Deli wisely wearing his T-Shirt backwards so his face and logo faces the camera. How much does the T-Shirt sell for? Rupert says, “$15.” DAMN! He didn’t add, “Plus tax.” I love it when Rupert says “Plus tax.” What’s the mark-up on the $15 T-Shirt? Rupert doesn’t answer. Dave teaches Rupert a quick lesson that can be generalized to all walks of life. “Just make it up. Pretend there is no mark up. Just say it with confidence.”

Dave gives Rupert a chance to say anything he wants since it’s usually Dave who does all the talking. Rupert is at a loss. Dave asks about the Jets and the Hello Deli specials.

Tonight we’re going to play “Would You Like To Put Away the Late Show Bear?” Dave sends Rupert out to find a contestant. Meanwhile, we have a show to put on.

All week in New York, we are celebrating Fashion Week, which cites the historic achievements of those talented men and women in the fashion industry. In honor of this auspicious event, the Late Show presented the following:

Announcer: “In 1943, the hat was invented in Waynesboro, Georgia by textile tycoon, Zachariah Hat. This has been a great moment in fashion history.”

Yesterday, NBC had a special entitled “Most Outrageous TV Moments.” Did you see the promo?

Announcer: “Anything can happen when the cameras roll! Don’t miss ‘Most Outrageous TV Moments’ where you will see hilarious bloopers, mishaps, and the year’s most outrageous TV moment . . .
(cut to Bush saying to FEMA director Michael Brown, “You’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie!”).
‘Most Outrageous TV Moments’ Only on NBC!”

Announcer: “FEMA head Michael Brown is leaving FEMA. He wasn’t fired. No, he just wants to get back to pursuing what he’s good at.”
(see photo of Michael Brown shoveling horse crap)
“Shoveling horse crap. Michael Brown, still getting it done.”

Monday on our show, Dr. Phil was promoting his big 1,000 Women show for Wednesday. He will have 1,000 female guests who have something in common, but wouldn’t say what it was on our show. He said we would have to tune in. Dave thinks he’s figured it out, though, by the promo Dr. Phil is running.

Announcer: “Coming up Wednesday on a special ‘Dr. Phil,’ we’re gathering a thousand women who all have something in common. What could it possible be?”
(see photo of Bill Clinton covered by a big red question mark)
“Find out Wednesday, only on ‘Dr. Phil.’”

Jana is here in New York City visiting a friend who just moved here. Her friend is an artist. Man, an artist in New York City. And young. How cool is that?

Is Jana ready to put away the LATE SHOW Bear? She says she has had minimal experience with Grizzlies and is ready to go. The LATE SHOW Bear arrives right on cue and Jana and the bear do battle. I bet heavy on the visiting team and won a nice hunk of change. Thanks, Jana. She put the bear away like a pro. And for playing “Would You Like To Put Away the LATE SHOW Bear,” Jana gets a Hello Deli deli platter. And a box of something. What’s in the box? What’s in the box? If Dave had asked “Alan, What are we playing for?” the answer would have been “a set of Pottery Barn antique beaded wall vases.” Since Alan was not asked to announce it, they shouldn’t have been brought out. Ooops.

And that’s how we play, “Would You Like To Put Away The LATE SHOW Bear?”

APE OR ARTIST? – it’s our 10th installment. Each time prior, the work of art has been created by an ape. Would it again be painted by an ape? Tonight we’re delighted to introduce the Ape or Artist Home Game. Now you can play right in the comfort of your own home!

Time to play. The scrim rises and Dave immediately says, “Ape. Ape. Ape.” Paul isn’t so sure. He studies the painting and states “This one is so simplistic, I’m going to say ‘artist.’” Dave discusses the mental game “THEY”, the producers of this “Ape or Artist” are playing.

JODIE FOSTER: Jodie is the mom of two boys. Within her family, there is a tradition that every party must have a piñata, no matter the event. At one of her baby showers, things went a little bit bad. It was a stork piñata and something didn’t seem quite right when everyone started beating the stork. A couple 14-year-old boys got into it and really whacked the stork, then started chanting “Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!” at the baby shower. Not what you would expect at a baby shower . . . . two 14-year-old boys, I mean. She’s thinking of doing away with the piñata at her son’s upcoming 4th birthday. She actually more concerned about the candy. Dave suggests stuffing it with healthy items, like yogurt and fruit. It would disappoint the kids, but at least they would be healthy disappointed kids. Jodie just finished shooting a film here in New York. How is it working on a film in New York? Jodie says it’s a lot different than Los Angeles. Here, you film right out there on the streets with people stopping to watch. You’re right in the middle of it. Dave says when he is seen walking the streets, he gets a lot of, “There he is! Get him!” Jodie says one of the finer things about working on New York City streets is you get to see Radio Man. Radio Man? He’s a popular show business fanatic in the area who rides a bicycle with a big radio around his neck. He looks like a very disheveled Robin Williams. Go to Google and type in Radio Man – no quotes – and on the second page you’ll see Radio Man talking to a woman. I laughed when I saw he was wearing a LATE SHOW T-shirt.

Jodie has been in the show business since she’s been 3 making commercials. She then graduated to TV shows at 6. We have a clip from one of her earlier works. It’s Jodie in Tom Sawyer. We see Jodie in the film in a scene with Jodie of Family Affair.

Jodie’s current film, Flightplan opens September 23. We see a clip. Oops! It’s one of Shecky’s clips. It’s an old black and white clip of a woman dancing on a wing of a plane. I laughed, as I was not expecting this either. We then see the actual clip. Looks like one of those “edge of your seat” thrillers.

Dave thanks Jodie for coming to the show. Jodie complements Dave on his Nemo-looking tie.

ACT 5: Guests of the LATE SHOW stay in the luxurious Hilton Hotel! They also receive a selection of LATE SHOW items, plus each guest enjoys a Big Beef Dinner! Thanks for watching, and drive safely.

Back from commercial, we see Jodie Foster giving an autograph the well-known Radio Man.

JACK JOHNSON: From his CD, “In Between Dreams,” Jack Johnson performed “Good People.” HEY! A song I’ve heard before! And I liked it! It must have been on Nickelodeon at one time. With 9-year-old twins, it’s my only outlet to the outside world.

And that was our show for Tuesday September 13, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

No time for extra stuff today. I drove in to work Wednesday morning to finish up the Tuesday Wahoo but forgot the President was in town to speak at the United Nations. Presidents and NYC traffic don’t mix. Everything was blocked solid like a bad sinus. Took me forever to get in. And I’ll be rushing all day to catch up, leaving me no time to work on Tuesday’s Wahoo.

What’s the U.N. doing in Manhattan anyway? Shouldn’t it be someplace far away in a place that needs business and corruption?

So what the heck is going on with "Frankenstein"? As you know, I started reading “Frankenstein” a few weeks ago. I have about an hour’s worth of reading left. And then a staffer, before I ever mentioned it to anyone, told me she read “Frankenstein” over the break and loved it. And then another staffer said he has a copy of the “Frankenstein” and has been thinking of reading it. And now my mom writes that at the Ocean County College Library in New Jersey this week there is a national traveling exhibit entitled “Frankenstein: Penetrating the Secrets of Nature Exhibit.” It gives a fresh look at author Mary Shelley’s life and the evolution of her classic novel since its 1818 publication.

Oooh, 1818? I guess my idea of getting her on the show isn’t a very good one.

Did you ever wonder why George and Laura Bush didn’t hire Michael Brown to be the White House chef? Why not the White House chef? Because he’s not qualified to be the White House chef! Just like he is not qualified to be the Director of FEMA. So the next time you wonder if the President is concerned about your safety, just remember that he’s more concerned about his lunch.