Safety first. We need to put away the Late Show bear. It's gotta be done. OSHA rules. Putting away the bear tonight is our Supervising Editor Mark Spada. Supervising Editor for the whole world? No, just for the show. We see a fierce battle between the hyperphagic bear and the father of 3. In the end, Mr. Spada wins out. It's why he's a Supervising Editor.
Sponsoring the Late Show bear tonight: KFC. "KFC - We do chicken right."

Dave has been wondering who keeps letting the Late Show bear out since we have to put it away every night. He was talking about it earlier in the week with Executive Producer Jude Brennan who thought it might be high school kids. That was a good guess by Ms. Brennan. It's ideas like that that have gotten her to the position she holds today. But Dave doesn't think that's possible since school is now in session and most high school kids can't get out on a school night. Dave pondered this hard and decided to install a surveillance camera outside the den of the Late Show bear. Last night, eureka! We found what we believe to be the answer. We view what the security camera picked up last night.
It's grainy black and white footage outside the bear door. Soon, a figure appears. Who is it? Why, it's the son of a bitch Tony Danza! Mr. Nice Guy, my ass. Why, he's nothing but a Late Show Bear-releasing punk. It's a good thing he is a former boxer or else I would hunt him down and hurt him real bad.

There was a big power outage in Los Angeles earlier this week. Based on that we're beginning a new segment on the show, "What The Hell Did You Expect, Dumbass?" We see a clip of Wolf Blitzer on the CNN. Wolf says, "Let's go live to CNN Los Angeles correspondent Jen Rogers to tell us what's happening." Wolf looks and waits. Nothing happens. They can't get a signal from blacked-out Los Angeles. Reprise Graphic: "What The Hell Did You Expect, Dumbass?"

Dave saw an interesting announcement about the new head of FEMA. He has the clip.
Announcer:

"Former Arabian horse judge Michael Brown was clearly unqualified to be head of FEMA. Rest assured America, his replacement David Paulison is qualified. Paulison spent three years interning at the Westminster Dog Show.

"In response to criticism of the way the hurricane crisis was handled, President Bush wants the American people to know that he accepts full responsibility for failures at the federal level. And to demonstrate that even the most powerful officials must accept the full consequences of their mistakes, Mr. Bush has announced that he will resign from the Presidency, effective January 20, 2009. George W. Bush: the buck stops here."

We say hello to our old friend, Bob Borden. Bob rambles on stage, happy to be back in the big house. Bob is the writers' assistant and has been with the show for 10 years, starting out in the mailroom. So what's new with Bob? Earlier in the day, he appeared in an episode of "Guiding Light." It's his 2nd appearance on the very popular soap opera, on CBS here in New York at 10:00 AM. A few months back, Bob was given the opportunity to act in an episode of "Guiding Light." Then, he played a cop. So impressed were the people at the "Light" that they called him back for more. Today on "Guiding Light," he played the part of "Delivery Guy with a cold." Bob sets up the scene in which he knocks on the door to make an important delivery. What's in the package? He doesn't know. We then see the clip which appeared on "Guiding Light" this morning.
Bob knocks on the door and in a delivery uniform, spoke his line followed by a sneeze. He had several lines following and performed quite professionally. Kudos to "Guiding Light" for using everyone's pal, Bob. To find out what it was like on working on "Guiding Light," check out Bob's own personal website, www.bobborden.com, where it's all Bob All The Time . . . but don't let that stop you.
If you would like to meet Bob Borden, stop by the theater today on 53rd Street. I'm sure Bob will be outside all day hoping to be recognized.

REESE WITHERSPOON: Her intro music plays, but where is Reese? A few seconds later, the lovely Ms. Witherspoon makes her entrance. What happened? Reese says, "Biff left me hanging." Dave, the concerned host, looks over her shoulder and asks Biff what happened. Biff thinks a bit, then answers, "She doesn't know how to take stage direction." OUCH! Very funny! Dave, again concerned, offers Biff an out. "Ah, Biff, you didn't mean that, did you?" Biff thinks it over. Biff answers, "That's what I said." Reese is a mom of two. She enjoyed Dave's story the other night of his singing to Harry, "The Avocado and Zucchini" song and the story of Harry saying to his dad, "Nice outfit." Reese gets it from her 2-year-old son, too. Kids learn early how to work it. In addition to Reese's new film, "Just Like Heaven," which opens Friday, she also has a film coming out soon entitled, "Walk the Line," the life story of June Carter and Johnny Cash. Reese plays June. Dave has seen the film and is very excited about it. Dave commends Reese on her singing ability. Has she been singing her whole life? Reese says she hasn't at all. She had to learn to sing for the role. Dave is surprised by this, expecting the casting director to first find a singer, and then a singer who can act. Not the other way around. But Reese learned well, and she credits her teacher for all she's learned. Playing the part of Johnny Cash is Joaquin Phoenix. "Walk the Line" is due out in November.
Her current film, "Just Like Heaven," opens Friday. Also appearing in the film is that "Napoleon Dynamite" kid Jon Heder.

TONY STEWART: He's the NASCAR point leader for the Nextel Cup. He's the only driver to win an IRL championship (1997) and a NASCAR championship (2002). After 26 races this year, Tony is far in front in first place with 5 wins. But now the "2nd season" starts. The top 10 in points up to this point are now eligible for the ultimate championship. There will still be 43 or so drivers per race, but only the current top 10 drivers can win the championship. Point totals are reconfigured and although Tony was ahead by 400 points, his now first place standing only puts him 5 points ahead of 2nd place. This new system is to prevent someone from running away with the championship and creating the fans to lose interest. These final 10 races are called "The Chase" for the championship.
I've been finding myself watching some of the IRL these past few weekends. Friends of mine LOVE the NASCAR. I am trying my best NOT to become interested in racing because I really don't have the time for it, but I can certainly see the allure. I'm learning there's a whole lot more to it than driving around in circles making continuous left turns. In fact, I believe NASCAR is the only major sport growing in popularity at the moment, or if it's not the only one, it's the FASTEST growing in popularity.
This past year Tony won the Brickyard 400 at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, a day he considers the greatest day of his life. His #1 goal in racing is to someday win the Indianapolis 500. It's not surprising. Tony's from Indiana. It's the dream of any kid born in Indiana to win the 500.

ACT 5: It's Biff giving flowers to the scrumptious Reese Witherspoon. All is forgiven. All is well.

ARCADE FIRE: From their CD, "Funeral," Arcade Fire performed "Rebellion." I was on stage for this making sure cue cards had our thank you's in order. I liked Arcade Fire. Lots of action. Looked like fun.

And that was our show for Wednesday, September 14, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

The falls shows Dave read at the top of the program always amuse me. But none are as funny as the show description of the new CBS program, "Ghost Whisperer," Fridays at 8:00 PM.
From the CBS website:

GHOST WHISPERER "It focuses on a young newlywed (Jennifer Love Hewitt) endowed with the unique ability to communicate with spirits, who has spent her entire life coping with this extraordinary gift, but who also yearns to lead an ordinary life--if only the dead would stop talking."

And there are others:

FREDDIE - ABC - WEDNESDAYS AT AT 8:30 PM Freddie Prinze plays a young and single head chef at a trendy Chicago restaurant and he's ready for love. Unfortunately, he also lives with his pragmatic sister, his 13-year-old niece, and their irascible grandma who refuses to speak English -- even though she understands every word.

TWINS - WB - FRIDAYS AT 8:30 PM Brains vs. Beauty? Sara Gilbert is a brainiac with an engineering degree. Her twin sister, played by Molly Stanton, is a stunningly perfect lingerie model. Watch his bitingly new comedy about twin sisters who are anything but identical. Melanie Griffith as the mom.

HEAD CASES - FOX - WEDNESDAYS AT 9:00 PM Chris O'Donnell is the superstar attorney who had a nervous breakdown. Adam Goldberg is the explosive-disorder, low-rent lawyer he is forced to team up with. Can they take on underdog cases and retain their sanity, too?

I read this in Dear Abby on Sunday. It really made me angry. See if you can figure out why.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I would appreciate your help with the following question: I am driving on the interstate; my wife is sitting next to me in the front passenger seat with her seatbelt on. We are doing 70 miles per hour and there is some traffic around us. Suddenly I collapse over the steering wheel. What should my wife do, and in the proper order?
-- EDGAR IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.

DEAR EDGAR: What a great question. I checked with the California Highway Patrol, and here's your answer:
1. Lean the driver back.
2. Take control of the steering wheel.
3. Hit the turn signal.
4. Passenger should keep her seatbelt fastened so that she is secure in the vehicle and begin merging to the right, making sure the driver's foot is off the accelerator.
5. Bring the vehicle to a stop on the shoulder.
6. Use a cell phone to call 911 and seek help for the driver.
I would like to add that while doing all of the above, it couldn't hurt to start praying.

Oh, and if you are running from a knife-wielding murderer, don't jaywalk!

And on Tuesday's show, it was an ape.