AUDIENCE SHOW AND TELL: Into the audience goes Dave to uncover the untapped talents of our audience members.
#1. Steven Burns of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. Saskatoon? Saskatchewan? Where do those words come from? I quickly search through my big blue encyclopedia, (that's right, a book) and eventually find that Saskatoon comes from an Indian Cree word for a "berry" found in the area. I couldn't find anything for Saskatchewan but I believe it's the Cree word for how one would eat the said berry. What does Steven have for us? He tells Dave that he is a professional body builder. Dave exclaims, "Me too!" What does Steven have for us? He has a photo of his placing First in the Grand Master Division at the Canadian Bodybuilding Championships. We see a photo of the 50-year-old Steven Burns all greased up. I made a quick Google check on "Canadian Bodybuilding Championship" and "Burns" and this came up first:
http://www.cbbf.net/events/2005_canadian_championships/
He's on the level. He scored a 5 in the competition. 5 is good.

Steve gets some stuff from Vicki. Before we go to our next audience show and teller, Vicki has something to say. She refers to Dave as Mr. McIntyre. She's curious as to how the go is going. She wonders if rehearsal is over. Talks about Dairy Queen. Mocks the host. Calls Dave a narc. Then exits.

#2. Sherri Dunlop of Los Angeles, California. What does Sherri do in L.A.? She's an "accounting manager for a... foreign . . . uhh. . . ." Dave stops her, "Oh, yeah, I believe you." Dave says of L.A.: "The last time I was in L.A. it was pointless to get a car. You can't go anywhere. You pull out of your driveway, sit right there, then 8 hours later pull back in." Sherri says that's just about the size of it. What does Sherri have? She once worked with waffles in some capacity and her boss thought it a good for business to get a waffle costume for publicity. It worked. Sherri has a clip of her appearance on the KTLA-Channel 5 morning program in her Waffle Costume. We see the ridiculous Waffle costume promoting Van's Waffles. It was pretty funny. Back from the clip, Dave exclaims, "I thought it was going to look stupid! But no, it looked great!"

#3. Mike Moriarty of Yonkers, New York. (note - this is the 2nd time "Yonkers" has made the Wahoo this week) Mike proudly wears a Fordham Prep T-Shirt, the school his son attends. His son is on the football team. His position: Tight End. I'll be checking the local papers to see how the Fordham Prep team does in this week's game. Dave is familiar with Yonkers, asking if the raceway is still there. Mike says it is, and they are hoping to get the OK to install slot machines at the track. Dave is impresses, and proclaims, "Life is sweet in Yonkers." Ah, now there is a sound bite for the Yonkers local radio station! Or the new local news on Channel 12. What does Mike have for us? Mike can ride a unicycle and juggle at the same time. Wow. Mike just so happened to have his unicycle with him today, as well as 3 tennis balls. Mike starts at the back of the audience area and rides down the slope. He juggles the 3 tennis balls for a split second. Those familiar with the Late Show know that's good enough for us! Good job, Mike.

LATE SHOW BEAR: Safety first, you know. We have to put away the Late Show Bear. It's a direct order from David Paulison. Putting away the Late Show bear tonight is Walter Kim, the Late Show On-line Producer. We see Walter lurking around the basement. He nervously looks for the Late Show Bear, which is nowhere to be seen. He looks directly into the camera and gives a shrug. A scripted look and shrug? I don't know, but it sold this piece well. Nice work, Walter. While the cameraman boldly ventured forth into the Bear's den in search of the wild hyperphagic Late Show Bear, Walter remained by the door, safely out of danger's way. Around the corner, we find the Late Show bear! The bear is in a dentist chair having dental work done. I think he's getting the whitening.

TED TURNER: He hasn't been here in over 20 years. The guy's got some history: Winning America's Cup; a World Series Championship; created 6 cable networks, including CNN, Headline News, TBS, TNT, Turner Classic Movies, and the Cartoon Network. Wow. I didn't know he created all those. Come to think of it, his networks is the only TV I watch . . . oh! Except for an hour every night of CBS. He's here in New York to help celebrate the 60th Anniversary of the United Nations. Mr. Turner is a big fan of the U.N., proud of its success in helping keep the world safe from another World War, an event he believes would have happened during the Cold War if not for the U.N.'s influence.
Dave asks about the $1 billion gift he gave to the U.N. back in 1997. Ted says the United States was behind in their dues. Like any corporation that doesn't receive money from its buying customers, this created a hardship in the U.N. to meet payroll and put forth their programs. Ted wanted to pay off the loan and then have the U.S. pay him back. This wasn't done, but Ted still wanted to give the U.N. a billion dollars. He soon learned it is not easy to give away a billion dollars. Why was he doing this? Because he truly believes in the mission of the United Nations and wanted to make a big splash to bring attention to the American people of our nation's not coming up with their dues. His gift of $1 billion was to be spread out over 10 years, which has since been extended to 15 years. Ted admits he doesn't have the money he once did, plus the U.N. wants to keep the money coming in for a longer length of time. So far, Ted has fulfilled $600 million of his promised $1 billion.

Ted believes good education and health care and a better standard of living is the best way to fight terrorism. Provide them with the above and they won't want to blow themselves up or go to war. He points out that the United States spends $400-500 billion a year on their military budget. The rest of the world spends the same amount. Is all that money spent on the military spent wisely? In a speech earlier this year, Ted went through a laundry list of the leading social problems around the world and the dollar cost of fixing them. For instance:
-$15 billion a year for universal primary education of all children.
-$4 billion a year for adult literacy
-$10 billion a year for reproductive health and family planning
On and on and on Ted spelled it out in this speech. Total cost: $62 billion a year. He reminds us that the United States spends $500 billion on the military alone each year. And the U.S. wouldn't have to pay the entire $62 billion; it would be spread out across the world. "You don't stop terrorism with tanks, you stop it with hope," says Ted. Dang it, it makes sense to me.

Of course, Ted is always pursuing entrepreneurial projects. He has ranches out west; one 350,000 acres containing 2,000-3,000 bison. At one time there were a lot more bison, too plentiful in fact, and so he started eating them. He didn't want to, but they are really good tasting. He has since opened a restaurant chain, "Ted's Montana Grill" located all across the country, serving people to the healthy qualities of bison meat (less fat and carbs than skin-on chicken). Dave reads some of the items off a Ted's Montana Grill menu. Ted critiques each. Then Dave reads one that Ted us not familiar with. Ted is quick to catch on and snarls, "You put that one in there!" Good time with Ted. Hope he's back soon. He's got a lot to say, he's done a lot, and I want to hear a lot more. There's a guy who gets it done.

ACT 5: Announcing the Late Show Employee Pricing Sale! We're moving out overstocked Late Show souvenirs at rock-bottom employee prices! Like this Late Show sweatshirt? Usually 49 dollars, now just $47.99! Or this Late Show mug? Usually 25 dollars, now $47.99! Get the same great deals we give our staffers --- at the Late Show Employee Pricing Sale! Tell your friends.

THE NEVILLE BROTHERS AND THE METERS: These New Orleans musical legends performed "Fire on the Bayou," along with Troy "Tromboneshorty" Andrews and Marcia Ball. On the 20th, they all will be performing on the Pay-Per-View Benefit Concert "From the Big Apple to the Big Easy."
During the performance, I played "Neville/Not A Neville."
Aaron Neville: vocals
Art Neville: keys/background vocals
Charles Neville: sax; background vocals
Cyril Neville: percussion; background vocals
Ian Neville: guitar
Leo Nocentelli – guitar
George Porter, Jr. – bass
Joseph "Zig" Modeliste – drum

And that was our show for Friday, September 16, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

Hey, I forgot to mention this. Did you see what the AOL users chose as TV's #1 Most Memorable Moment of the year? Check it out. It's from the Late Show's Stupid Human Tricks – November 22, 2004. A pug named Odie speaks! And what does Odie say? "I love you."
http://television.aol.com/franchise/tv_viewer_awards

And they have Biff and Reese Witherspoon on today's Top 5 TV Moments of the Day . . . or by the time you read this . . . yesterday.
http://television.aol.com/franchise/top5.adp

I received an e-mail the other day from a reader who closed his message advising me that he was a one-time Cameo Mention of a Wahoo Reader. He was very proud of that distinction. This made me wonder, "How has being a Cameo Mention changed your life?" Let me know. And for those of you who have never received a Cameo, why do you believe you deserve the high honor? Plead your case. I look to be amused by your responses, and I look forward to cutting and pasting.

Wednesday I expressed my outrage at a recent Dear Abby column. Yes, this is my life these days. To catch you up:
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I would appreciate your help with the following question: I am driving on the interstate; my wife is sitting next to me in the front passenger seat with her seatbelt on. We are doing 70 miles per hour and there is some traffic around us. Suddenly I collapse over the steering wheel. What should my wife do, and in the proper order? -- EDGAR IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.

DEAR EDGAR: What a great question. I checked with the California Highway Patrol, and here's your answer:
1. Lean the driver back.
2. Take control of the steering wheel.
3. Hit the turn signal.
4. Passenger should keep her seatbelt fastened so that she is secure in the vehicle and begin merging to the right, making sure the driver's foot is off the accelerator.
5. Bring the vehicle to a stop on the shoulder.
6. Use a cell phone to call 911 and seek help for the driver.

I would like to add that while doing all of the above, it couldn't hurt to start praying. I was ticked off at step #3 from the California Highway Patrol; "Hit the turn signal." Taking over for a dead man while doing 70 mph and you're supposed to hit the turn signal? Some of you responded.

From Rilla Armitage of Brampton, Ontario, Canada:

"Wait a minute..! If you remain seat-belted in your passenger seat, how the heck do you reach the turn signal in the first place..?? AND How do you bring it to a stop..? Belted..? Hey, this is one woman who'd undo the belt first and throw a leg over toward the pedals, and THEN try to do those other things..."

"Try this experiment (with the vehicle parked in your driveway of course): Sit in the passenger's seat of your car with the seatbelt on and just try to reach the turn signal! I'm 6 foot and had trouble reaching across to it in my van. Good luck at 70 mph."

"I feel compelled to disagree with your reaction to the CHP advice as given in 'Dear Abby'.
1. Lean the driver back.
2. Take control of the steering wheel.
3. Hit the turn signal.

Your response in part was as follows:
'You're supposed to be worried about proper signaling at that moment? You can't be serious, California Highway Patrol. It's a typical instruction given by management; impossible to follow, but given to cover their ass.'

My thought is that the signal would be fairly useless if the car was in the far right lane, but if you were in the second or third lane, how will the other drivers know you are coming over if you don't give them a 'heads-up'. You will probably be unable to control the car and look behind you for cars coming up on the right because you are in the passenger seat. Granted, there is no guarantee, or even a reasonable assurance that using a signal will be particularly effective in this situation. But as for myself, I'll take any reasonable step to diminish the risk in an already risky situation."

"In order to reach the turn signal, the passenger would most likely have to unfasten their seat belt, thus violating rule 4 in order to comply with rule 3."

"I would hit the hazards. Hitting the hazards alerts everyone around you that you are a hazard. It's civic thing to do, it'd be horrible if someone else was hurt too."

And don't forget the Emmy Awards Sunday night. We're up for:
- Directing for a Variety, Music, or Comedy Program
- Writing for a Variety, Music, or Comedy Program
- Variety, Music, or Comedy Series
If there's not a Yankee game on, I'll be watching.

Saturday is my annual block party. It's usually the third weekend in September, often the same weekend as the Emmy Awards. When my neighbors hear that I could have gone to the Emmys if I wanted, they all stare at me in disbelief and exclaim, "You could have gone to the Emmys but you decided to come here?!" I tell them all the same: "The beer is cheaper here and the company is better."