It’s Rosh Hashanah tomorrow. Dave says how the time flies. Dave admits he is still writing 5765 on his checks.

Dave is unsure how to tell this story, wanting to be delicate in telling the tale that is “a little indelicate.” Before continuing, he advises the audience that he is jacked up on coffee, cheap speed, and doughnuts.
Dave sets the scene to the story.
There are 3 things most people know about horses:
1. they are enormous.
2. they are kind of dangerous
3. they are blessed with a very active digestive system

Horses do their business and there is nothing any of us can do about it. You can’t clean up after them, and diapers don’t work. They do their business and that’s that. So, Dave and little Harry went for a walk over the weekend though a pasture. There were clear signs of a horse being in the pasture some time back; Dave estimates it being 6 weeks or so. The signs of a horse’s presence, “the material”, have taken on a different form. 6 weeks will do that to doo. Harry, a very curious one, bends down and scoops up a clump with his left hand and then reaches down and scoops up a clump in his right. Holding the clumps high over head, Harry exclaims, “Pine cones!” And that was Dave’s weekend.

Dave says the world would be a better place if only “horse-‘djoy’ were pine cones.”

During the Pre-Show Q&A, two members of the audience asked if they could put away the LATE SHOW Bear. Dave, being the kind and gentle host, allows it to happen. ARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!! The couple is led down stairs to the bear’s den. Arrrrrgghhhhh!

An expert at the U.N. has said an avian flu outbreak could potentially kill 150 million people worldwide. The U.N. released this simulation of what the bird flu outbreak would look like. We see a frightening clip of a large condor/eagle/raptor/big bird fly down and scoop up a sweet and innocent toddler. It’s Shecky footage!

Here’s an odd story. In the aftermath of the Gulf Coast hurricanes, there are rumors that the military misplaced several combat-trained dolphins that are armed with poison darts. We can’t find these dolphins. Fortunately, the situation seems to be under control.

Announcer: “In the weeks since Hurricane Katrina struck the Gulf Coast, rumors have circulated that a Louisiana Navy base misplaced several dolphins that are trained to shoot poison darts at enemies. But the Navy is doing everything it can to track them down. And until w do, we will provide extra protection against dolphin attacks by patrolling the Gulf waters with our torpedo-armed kitties. The United States Navy: Working for you.”

Announcer: “So George W. Bush has nominated someone for the Supreme Court who’s never even been a judge before? This position is simply too important to hand to an unqualified hack with no judicial experience. Mr. President, you owe it to the nation to consider me.” (photo of former FEMA head, Michael Brown) “Paid for by Michael Brown – Arabian Horse Judge 1989-2001.”

Dave has a bit of LATE SHOW news. He tells us this was the last appearance of the LATE SHOW Bear. He and his wife are moving to New Mexico. They bought an Applebee’s franchise. With that in mind, we take a look back at some of the highlights of the LATE SHOW Bear’s appearances on the LATE SHOW. We see a montage of clips of the bear being put away. Afterwards, Dave introduces the LATE SHOW Bear to take a final bow. The LATE SHOW Bear walks on stage to thunderous applause. Dave hands the Bear a dozen roses. The Bear slowly makes his way off stage by the spiral staircase. Just before exiting, the LATE SHOW Bear turns vicious and mauls an unsuspecting Alan Kalter. Alan is ripped to shreds, blood gushing everywhere. It turns into a blood mess. The LATE SHOW Bear finishes his mauling, turns to the audience and waves one last time. The LATE SHOW Bear exits. Dave asks Alan if he is OK. He cries out, “NOOOOO!”

Tonight, the LATE SHOW Bear was sponsored by Gatorade. “Gatorade – Is It In You?”

And now the story behind the story.

The couple who put away the LATE SHOW Bear made their request seconds before the start of the show during the pre-show Q&A. As the music from Paul began, Dave yelled you that he would see what he could do about that, then ran off stage to re-enter a moment later to start the program. Would this couple be invited to put away the bear? No one knew, but we were prepared if Dave wanted to go in that direction. After telling his story about Harry and the “pine cones,” Dave looks over to the Executive Producer Barbara Gaines and says if this is a “go”? She gives the OK signs and then Dave introduces the couple from the audience who asked to put away the LATE SHOW Bear. He has them escorted downstairs to put away the LATE SHOW Bear. While the show continued, the couple was given a quick lesson on how to put the beast away. We come back later and we see them perform the deed. But who was supposed to put the bear away? Who did we pre-tape earlier in the day to put away the LATE SHOW Bear, in this the final appearance by the bear? Who could that person have been? Who? Yes, who? Yes, me. It was my turn to put away the LATE SHOW Bear. My turn! Me! But no, someone off the street got in my way and stole my moment. Lost forever. Forever. Yes, forever. Remember, this was the bear’s final appearance. In the past when someone from the audience was allowed to put away the bear, the staffer “bumped” was simply moved to the next day. But for me? There is no tomorrow. There is no more LATE SHOW Bear.

Before the show, our stage manager Biff Henderson asked Dave if he could say a few words. Being a longtime and loyal Late Show staffer, Dave allowed the request.

We find Biff LIVE via satellite from Times Square. It is night time and he is dressed in a warm winter coat. He is holding a CBS microphone.

Biff: “Thanks, Dave. I’m standing here in Times Square in honor of Rosh Hashanah. You could feel the electricity surging through the air as we usher in . . . the . . . newish Jew Year.”

Biff: “Thanks, Dave. I’m standing here in Times Square in honor of Rosh Hashanah. You could feel the electricity surging through the air as we usher in the Jewish New Year.”
(applause from the audience)
“The crowd is still a little thin, but pretty soon this place is going to be packed with people waiting for the big ball to drop. Back to you, Dave.”

TOP TEN: Signs Your Supreme Court Pick Isn’t Qualified
#10. Lost 10 grand yesterday in the “case” of Jets vs. Ravens.
#5. Keeps shouting, “When does mama get to hang somebody?”
#4. When Scalia walks by, she pretends to cough and says, “Rogaine.”

FREDDIE PRINZE JR.: He has a new program on the ABC entitled, Freddie, Wednesday’s at 8:30. It premieres next week. In the show, Freddie lives with a bunch of female relatives, not unlike his actual upbringing. What has he learned from this? Freddie says, “The dumber I’ve been on a consistent level, the better my life has been.” He finds that saying things like, “I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t know,” works out pretty well. The second you think you know something, you get in trouble. Living with women he’s learned fear and a good dose of respect.

On his new show, Freddie plays a chef. He actually likes to cook, taking courses in California many years ago. Why take up cooking? Freddie says he was a struggling and starving actor at the time and figured he could get stuff to eat at a cooking school. When he was close to graduating, he got his first acting job. He made $3,000, more money than he’s ever seen before.

How did Freddie spend this money that would last a lifetime? “On alcohol and SEGA games.” And it lasted about 3 weeks.

Dave heard that Freddie has a sleeping problem, or maybe it’s not a problem at all. Freddie has trouble sleeping, getting only 3 or 4 hours a night. Dave wonders if this problem makes him sleepy? Freddie says, “Yeah, all the time!” He’s gone to a hypnotist and an acupuncturist to remedy the problem but so far, no luck. Going for acupuncture was odd. Freddie says the guy sticks long needles into your back and neck and then tells you that you’re supposed to relax. Doesn’t work.

To finish up, we see a photo of Freddie at a ceremony for his father being honored posthumously with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Freddie also told a story about doing a play in London and his cousin from the audience yelled out the line to the best joke of the play. Freddie could only stand there on stage and glare in disbelief. His cousin yells, “What? It’s a funny joke! You should tell it anyway!”

ACT 4: And now it’s time for another installment of “Dwight, the Troubled Teen.”
Alan: (still bloody from earlier in the show) “Dwight, I’ve noticed that you’ve been using the car an awful lot lately.”
Dwight: “So? I like to go cruising with my friends.”
Alan: “We’re trying to cut down on fuel consumption by eliminating unnecessary driving, Dwight.
Dwight: “You want to talk to me about unnecessary driving? What about your little jaunts to the adult video store and the strip clip, you clown-haired hypocrite? I hate you! I hate all of you!”
(Dwight storms off. A second later he returns.)
Dwight: “Hi, I’m Dwight the Troubled Teen. In real life, I’m troubled about our uncertain energy future. Consider carpooling or using public transportation. It makes a difference.”
Alan: “That’s right! Our responsible choices today mean a brighter future tomorrow!”
Dwight: “Shut up, freak. Good night, America.”

ACT 5 – It’s a sleeping Freddie Prinze, Jr. Hey, I guess the LATE SHOW will do that to people.

BECK: From his brand new CD, Guero, Beck performed “Black Tambourine.” Nice sound. I liked it.

And that was our show for Monday October 3, 2005. Show #2434. Wahoo EXTRA!

My first impression of Harriet Miers as a judge wasn’t so good. Her eye-liner? How will she handle the bigger issues.

NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It can’t be!!!! Springsteen’s Born To Run album is 30 years old?! There is no way! What is going on here? 30 years old? I’m telling you, this aging business isn’t funny anymore. It’s getting serious. Seriously bad. “Born to Run” --- 30 years old! It just ain’t right.

Hey horse racing fans . . . Letterman’s Humor ran in the 5th race at Delaware Park on Sunday. Running at 2/1 odds, the favorite finished out of the money in 4th place. Race Summary:

“WHATS WHAT” sprinted clear early, set a moderate pace under good rating then drew away leaving the second turn to mid stretch then was kept to pressure to hold sway. “MAJOR MECKE” was never far back, moved closest to the winner after six furlongs but couldn't gain on that one while outfinishing the rest for the place. “UNCLE DIVSIE” made a middle move to upper stretch but failed to sustain that rally. “LETTERMAN'S HUMOR” pressed the pace to the quarter pole then weakened. “SUBITAN” (ARG) raced boxed for six furlongs then gave way. “WANAKA” broke a step slow then was no factor. “VICTORY SONG” bid three wide into the second turn then stopped in the drive.

I wrote the above last week before I knew the happy outcome of this weekend. Now I get pessimistic again. The Yankees always have a hard time against the Angels, a team that plays like the 1998 Yankees. And as for the Red Sox, Curt Schilling could cut off both arms and have to kick the ball to home plate and he would still hold the Yankees to 4 hits and 1 run.

American League preference:
1. Yankees
2. White Sox
3. Red Sox
4. Angels

National League preference:
1. Astros
2. Padres
3. Cardinals
4. Braves

I would pick the Angels higher, but I hate their noise-making clappers. Very annoying.

I would pick the Braves higher, but I hate their tomahawk chop chant.

I would pick the Cardinals higher, but I don’t want to see the over-analyzing manager Tony LaRussa between every pitch.

Don Adams is dead. “Control’s” top agent, Agent 86 Maxwell Smart is dead. I haven’t seen the show in a while and I’m not sure how well it holds up, but back in the day it was one of my favorite shows. I had many an argument about its merit, mostly with women who didn’t get the humor. “It’s so stupid!” they would moan with disgust, as I would chime with glee at the same time, “It’s so stupid!”

And now one memory of Get Smart. It was January 18, 1973. The New York Islanders hockey team was playing the Stanley Cup Champion Boston Bruins. It was the Islanders first season in the NHL and they were clearly the league’s the worst team. They were on WOR-Channel 9 that night. The game started at 8:00 PM. I was a big fan of the expansion Islanders, suffering loss after loss with expectation. I was also a big Get Smart fan. It was on in reruns on channel 11 or maybe channel 5. It also started at 8:00 PM. What to do? Islanders or Get Smart? I opted for Get Smart. I would watch the Islander/Bruin game at 8:30 PM. This was before the days of the TV remote to there was no switching back and forth. It was Get Smart for the entire half hour. At 8:30, I turned on the Islander/Bruin game. The score after a half-hour of play: New York Islanders 5, Boston Bruins 0. I missed the Islanders scoring 5 unanswered goals against the Stanley Cup Champion Boston Bruins. It was the Islanders greatest moment in their maiden season. . . . and I missed it for Get Smart. I sweated out the rest of the game, won by the Islanders 9-7.

Many have been asking: What was the book Ted Turner referred to on his September 16th visit to the LATE SHOW? It’s Plan B: Rescuing a Planet Under Stress and a Civilization in Trouble by Lester R. Brown. He’s coming out with an updated release in January 2006.

CBS Website: Check out the network’s upcoming movies and specials.
- “CBS at 75” – Don’t miss it! November 2, 2003.
- The Emmy Awards – Don’t miss it! September 18, 2005
- Fashion Rocks – Don’t miss it! September 9, 2005.
- “Oceans Eleven” – Don’t miss it! September 11, 2005.
- People’s Choice Awards – Don’t miss it! January 9, 2005

The Wahoo Gazette: New and updated everyday!