Later in the show, we will have a holiday toy demonstration. Before you buy anything for your children, you should watch this. It is the best toys to give AND receive this holiday season. This segment always interests Dave. As a kid, the only toy he ever had was a bent nail.

It's cold here in New York City, much to the delight of the transit workers who are planning on going on strike at 12:01 AM Friday. Of course, when it gets this cold, we love to send our friend Biff Henderson outside to tell us how cold it is. We find Biff across the street from the Theater on Broadway. Our camera is on the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater; Biff down below on the sidewalk. How cold is it? Biff says it's 17 degrees. Biff was using his head because before the show he got his LCD's. Biff mentioned this to me before the show and I didn't know what he meant. Neither did Dave. What are LCD's? "I got my Long Cotton Drawers on," explains Biff.
And what is Biff going to be doing for us tonight? He'll be telling "It's so cold" jokes.
We're ready for the first joke. Biff yells,
#1. "It's so cold, pet stores are selling hamsters, gerbils, and penguins."

Sitting beside Biff is a . . . a . . . dang it, I can't think of the name . . . a megaphone/loud speaker. One of those electric ones where you put it up to your mouth, push a button and your voice is . . . . . BULLHORN! Sitting beside Biff is a bullhorn. Why isn't Biff using the bullhorn?
Says Biff: "It's so cold, the damn thing doesn't work." We quickly got our specialist to work on it.
#2. "It's so cold, Bill Clinton is sleeping with Hillary to keep warm."

We'll check in again with Biff later . . . perhaps when the jokes are funnier.

Are you excited about the big "King Kong" opening? It opened today and it's all the talk in the entertainment world. And we're lucky tonight because all night we'll have a guy dressed as a monkey running wild in the skyline behind Dave. The guy in a monkey suit runs out in the skyline and creates havoc and mayhem. After a few seconds of Emmy-worthy entertainment, Dave waves off the monkey. Dave then decides it would be better if the monkey was outside with Biff by the Jamba Juice store. And behind the scenes, the man in the monkey is directed to go outside.
Upon seeing the antics of the man in the monkey, Dave wonders if the monkeyman is our friendly film coordinator, Shecky? Dave noticed the mannerisms and body movement looked much like that of Shecky. No, it wasn't Shecky, but it's interesting to note that a guy trying to behave like a monkey would remind someone of Shecky.

Iraqis are getting ready for their big election on Thursday and Iraqi television is running this commercial.
Announcer:

"Get out and vote Thursday! It's your chance to help create a new and better Iraq! Also, show your purple ink-stained finger and get a free goat shake at McQusay's! It's our way of promoting democracy! McQusays's - I'm lovin' it."

And now, what has Dave said in the past were his only toys as a child? I have three in my head.

Here's something new: "CNN News with 'Tude."
We see CNN news anchorwoman Zain Verjee with a report on the Titanic. She says, "A scientist calls the latest discovery 'no big deal.' He says it hit an iceberg and sank. Get over it."
Dave smiles a confused smile. "That's a bit harsh. 1,500 people drowned. . . . 'get over it.'"

Back to Biff, and he's out there with the man in the monkey suit.
#3. "It's so cold, politicians have their hands in their own pockets."
#4. "People come to the Ed Sullivan Theater just to get warm"

Dave has Biff sent the monkey into the Jamba Juice behind them. The monkey/man quickly darts into the Jamba Juice store and starts acting like a crazed man in a monkey suit. I haven't talked to our monkey/man yet but I have a feeling what was going through his mind at this moment as he ran wild in the Jamba Juice was this: "If I do a good job, maybe they'll want me to do it again tomorrow night." That would make it a double "ka-ching."
Well be back with more funny stuff.

More Biff. More Monkey/man.
#5. "It's so cold, when farmers milk their cows, they get ice cream."

As Dave said earlier, everybody is excited about the "King Kong" movie. Our friend Tony Mendez has a review of the film.
Tony, speaking gibberish . . . or Spanish: "In this remake of the 1933 classic 'King Kong,' Jack Black goes to Skull Island and discovers a giant gorilla. With the help of a beautiful actress played by Naomi Watts, he brings King Kong to New York City. But when the gorilla escapes and climbs to the top of the Empire State Building, a bunch of airplanes come in to shoot him down, and King Kong dies."
Dave: "That's very nice, Tony, but 'King Kong' is a remake, so I think everyone knows he dies at the end. Is there anything else you can tell us about the film?
Tony, speaking gibberish . . . or Spanish: "Before the big finish, . . . . (Tony picks up two cowboy dolls and a gorilla doll) . . . King Kong meets up with these two gay cowboys and . . . (Tony has the three action figures get down to some action as he makes them kiss kiss kiss and smush.)
Dave: "Thank you, Tony, you're making us all sick."

TOP TEN: Signs Your Wife is in Love with a Giant Monkey - sponsored by spit-roasted meats.
#10. Seems to work late whenever the circus is in town,
#7. Your American Express bill shows $2,000 charge from Chiquita
#5. Was riveted by Dr. Phil episode, "I'm in Love with a Giant Monkey."

SHANNON EIS: She's the toy expert and she has a bundle of this year's most popular toys.
1. Tumble Time Tigger by Fisher Price: It's Tigger from Winnie the Pooh. This toy dances, does cartwheels, handstands and more. Dave is concerned that a toddler will see Tigger perform these stunts and then try it himself. "It's a lawsuit waiting to happen" a concerned Dave pleads. Shannon says it's more of a toy you would just observe; not something you should try to copy. It's more for watching. Dave says, "Well, as long as the toy is having fun . . . ."
2. Alive Chimpanzee by WowWee. It's the head of a chimpanzee with which you can interact. Press a button on your remote, and it laughs. Press another button on the remote and it shows disgust. Press another button, and it giggles. This reminded me of our morning production meetings when the executive producer says something. I cannot yet tell how he does it, but he can say anything and everyone laughs. Just like the Alive Chimpanzee. (Tonight when I get home, Denise we'll lambaste, "You can't write that!" Don't worry, Denise, no one here at the Late Show reads the Wahoo Gazette. I've been doing this for nearly 10 years and most are still not aware of it.)
3. Nerf N-Strike by Hasbro - It's a huge Nerf bazooka which fires soft darts and a larger single rocket. First you need to cock the trigger and then pump the gun. I think Dave may have considered saying something there but used his better judgment and let it pass. And all across America Christmas morning you'll hear parent bark, "Take that in the basement!"
4. Tyco R/C Shell Shocker by Mattel. It's some kind of Cyberball/Cyberbeast that transforms from something unrecognizable into something else unrecognizable. It runs around the ground via a remote control. And all across America Christmas morning you'll hear parent bark, "Take that in the basement!"
5. Zero Gravity Humvee Wall Climber by Spinmaster. - It's a remote control humvee . . . . that is able to climb walls! Dave aims the humvee at a wall we constructed. The humvee approaches the wall, bumps into it, then rises and climbs straight up the obstacle. How is this possible? By suction. Very cool. And all across America Christmas morning you'll hear parent bark, "Take that in the basement!"
6. Lighted RC Helicopter New Megatech MegaChopper II Double Blades - ask for it by name. Unfortunately, the helicopter couldn't attain flight. Dave looks on the bright side: "I think it's important that children learn to understand disappointment in life." In defense of the helicopter, our use of radio frequencies in the theater created cross-communication and caused the inability of the toy to function properly. I saw the helicopter fly earlier in the day and it was pretty darn cool.
7. Electric Motocross Bike - hey, it's a mini motorcycle. Dave recreates his starring role in the 1969 film "Easy Rider" and hops aboard the bike and rides it up and around the studio audience. Nice ride. The motorbike goes for $200, the same price of my first car.

STEPHEN COLBERT: From Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report." Dave asks about the pronunciation of his last name, Colbert. Stephen comes from a family of 11, with half pronouncing it "Coal-bert" and the other half pronouncing it "Coal-Bair." I know half of 11 is 5-and-a-half, so just leave me alone. Stephen goes with "Coal-Bair." And to stay consistent, Stephen pronounces the word "Report" in his show's title as "Re-Poor."
The last time Stephen was on our show, he talked about a race to Bermuda he participated in. Anything else like that? Stephen says no, nothing like that anymore. He's too busy with his new show. He is so rarely home, his most "extreme sport" these days is apologizing to his wife. He can sense the danger of walking in at such a late hour, leaving her alone at home all day. He knows to tread carefully. His only defense is "yes, dear." Having a new show is more dangerous than racing the high seas to Bermuda.

Stephen shares a Stupid Human Trick he can perform. Stephen bends the upper tip of his ear into the ear canal. And the ear stays as placed. Now most would think, "Hey, that's a pretty good trick!" but Stephen is not done yet. Oh, no. With the slightest twitch of his skull muscle, his ear tip pops out. Ta da!
Stephen Colbert - "The Colbert Report" - Monday-Thursday at 11:30 PM. He can also be seen on the Daily Show at 11:00 PM.

ACT 5: Our own King Kong riding the motorbike up and down the sidewalk on Broadway.

AQUALUNG: From their CD, "Strange and Beautiful," Aqualung performed the gentle "Brighter Than Sunshine."

To close the show, Biff has one more joke for us. "It is so cold, we had lunch at the Hello Deli . . . just for the heartburn!"

And that was our show for Wednesday, December 14, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

Dave's other favorite toys as a child:
-bent nail.
-rusty tin can
-a stick
-string
That's just off the top of my head. There may be more.

When did the local weather turn into Romper Room? With the temperatures here in the northeast dropping to winter levels. . . . imagine that, winter temperatures in December . . the local news shows are going crazy with their weather reports. The winter chill is dominating the news. And then the weather guy stands in front of his New York/New Jersey map pointing out the temperatures in various towns in the metro area.

"Here in Monticello it's 5 degrees. Goshen is 6 degrees. Sparkill comes in with a temperature of 10. Smithtown out on the Island is 8 degrees. Over here in New Jersey, Northvale clocks in with 9 degrees, Ridgewood also at 9 degrees. And Fort Lee is at 10 degrees."

I wore a new pair of jeans today. And not only were they new, they were a brand that was brand new to me. Denise picked me up a pair of Axis jeans, not a brand I am accustomed to. Levi's and Wranglers are my usual. I am certainly not a fashion maven but I was a bit reluctant to go with the Axis jeans. They seemed too . . . . I don't know . . . the jeans seemed like something I might wear if I were going to "Brokeback Mountain" perhaps.
Three times I had to ask Denise if she was sure these were Mens jeans. She repeatedly told me that they were. I still am not sure. The Axis jeans are too soft, too loose, too . . . . not me. So I wore them. Does anybody know anything about Axis jeans? Am I safe? Are staffers giggling behind my back?

Bob Borden stopped me in the hall this morning and said, "Hey, Mike, you're on my website today." I'm guessing that means I'm supposed to mention his website, www.bobborden.com. It's a little game of "shout-out ping-pong" we play around here.

I haven't seen it booked yet on the Late Show calendar, but I'm hoping to see "Just Started Learning" performed on our show. It should be on Casey Kasem's Top 40 in no time.

Big Howard Stern goodbye Friday morning around the corner from here. Should be interesting. I'll be taking a look.