It's Friday night and time for America's Fastest Growing Quiz Sensation:
KNOW YOUR CURRENT EVENTS - One category; no cheating
KYCE #1: Betty from Decatur, Alabama - she works with NASA.
1. CBS is hoping to sign Katie Couric to do what? Answer: Replace the old guy who hosts the 'Late Show'
2. What was George W. Bush's excuse to get out of jury duty? Answer: Claimed there was probably a good chance the case would involve someone in his administration

KYCE #2: Heather from Coram, Long Island - she's a nurse.
3. What happens at the end of "King Kong"? Answer: He is signed by the New York Yankees to play centerfield.
4. What made yesterday's Iraqi election so special? Answer: It was the first election in years not rigged by George W. Bush

KYCE #3: Michelle of Elk Grove, California, about 10 minutes south of Sacramento. Any elks in Elk Grove? "Not anymore." And what does Michelle do in Elk Grove? "I'm a lobbyist for construction" (pssssst . . . . and that's why there's no elk in Elk Grove.)
#5. What new feature has been added to this year's Radio City Christmas Spectacular? Answer: Each show ends with the Rockettes kicking some lucky audience member unconscious.
#6. Yesterday in Iraq, crowds of excited citizens showed up to do what? Answer: Take advantage of the big holiday savings at Circuit City Kirkuk.

And that was Know Your Current Events.

While discussing Dr. Phil's new book, "Love Smart," Dave has this suggestion on how to handle a relationship that may need some work . . . . "Get out!" Why work so hard at a relationship if it needs so much work? Just get out. Now that's a book that makes sense. It would be a short book, but a book that would make sense.

We have a fellow here at the Late Show who has been with CBS for a long time. He's Johnny, the oldest CBS Page. 38 years he's been here. Dave introduces Johnny.
JOHNNY: "Dave, let me start by thanking you for the wonderful Christmas bonus. You are a class act, my friend."
DAVE: "Johnny, I didn't . . . uh . . . give you a Christmas bonus."
JOHNNY: "It's called 'sarcasm.' Capiche? Cheap bastard." (Johnny lights up a cigarette)
DAVE: "Uh, Johnny, I don't want to be a noodge, but you can't smoke during the show."
JOHNNY: "This is the show?! Man, no wonder this thing is going tits up!
DAVE: "Do you really have to use that expression?"
JOHNNY: "Hey, somebody out here's gotta get some laughs. This thing's deader than a Mexican soufflé."
DAVE: "I'm not really sure what that means. So, Johnny, I hear you have an imaginary horse that you like to ride around."
JOHNNY: "So what? I hear you have an imaginary girlfriend and I'll bet you ride that around every now and then . . . am I right, losers?" (To Paul) "Hit it, Huey!" (Johnny sings and rides off on his horse.)

WILL IT FLOAT? Tonight's item: 75 individual tubes of cocoa butter lip balm chap stick. Dave questions, "Why 75? Why not just one? If one floats, 75 will float. If one sinks, 75 will sink. Why 75?"
Alan doesn't really have an answer to that. Sitting in the comfort and safety of the shack backstage, I quickly offered, "Because television is a visual medium and 75 would entertain more than just 1."
Dave thinks 3 or 4 will sink, the rest will float. He then changes his mind to them all floating. Paul agrees. The Late Show models drop the lip balms into the Will It Float tank and they . . . . . float!

DR. PHIL: Dr. Phil congratulates Dave on a very fine show with Oprah two weeks ago. He was very surprised at how nice Dave was. Ooh, another one of those "it sounds like a complement, but ain't." Dave and Dr. Phil mention the great work Oprah is doing in Africa. The Oprah show was both fun and informational.
Dr. Phil asks Dave how Harry is doing. Dave says he has the run of the house, yakking non-stop, and sweetly adding, "He has opened a window to my heart and let the light shine in."
Dr. Phil has a new book, "Love Smart: Find the One You Want - Fix the One You Got." Women are so often complaining, "All the good ones are taken . . . and you can't find any at the bar." The book is full of ideas on how to find the right guy and how to keep him. I also recommend the book to guys who don't want to be the right guy and don't want to be kept. It's like finding the other team's playbook.

Dr. Phil's been married for 30 years . . . to the same woman . . . How does he do it? Better yet, how does she do it? Dr. Phil says every marriage and every relationship has its rough spots. Phil doesn't let the rough spots blow up . . . he and his wife handle them when they come. Don't let the rough spots fester into something bigger than it is. Get to it when it gets to you. And of course, after the rough spots are calmed, there is the make up sex. (In high school, I always had make up sex . . . I had to make it up.) Dave's strategy in handling the rough spots around the house is simple. All he says is "Fine." No matter what comes up: "fine." "I want to redo our brand new kitchen we just redid" . . . . Dave: "fine."
Dr. Phil knows from where Dave is coming. Dr. Phil's strategy to everything is "Love it." "I want to redo our brand new kitchen we just redid" . . . . Dr. Phil: "Love it."

Dr. Phil finally lets his real feelings out. He's feels slighted by the grand exit Dave and Oprah made the other night, walking arm in arm down Broadway to the opening of "The Color Purple." Dr. Phil says he can't even get the Late Show to get him a taxi after the show. Dave laughs and offers his apology. Dr. Phil mentions that he has a car waiting for him out on 53rd . . . would Dave walk him out? Why of course Dave would. Dave and Dr. Phil make their way out to 53rd Street where Dr. Phil gets in the car and off he goes. Tsk tsk tsk, Dr. Phil . . . . no tip for the valet service?

ACT 5: It's time to announce the winner of 'My Baby Looks Like Vincent Gardenia' contest! The winner is . . . Axel Paulk from Austin, Texas! And for winning the 'My Baby Looks Like Vincent Gardenia' contest, Axel will receive the classic Vincent Gardenia film, 'Death Wish' on DVD! Way to go! We'll be right back.

BILL SCHEFT: He's a longtime friend here at the Late Show, spending many years on the writing staff and just a fun guy to hang out with. Dave and Bill always liked to talk sports. What does Bill think about Dave's Indianapolis Colts? Bill says with confidence: "They'll go 16-0 and then lose in the first round of the playoffs." Bill has written his 3rd book, his 2nd novel. His first novel being "The Ringer"; his new one is entitled, "Time Won't Let Me" a fictionalized story based in fact. It's about a group of kids who form a band in high school, record an album, break up, and years later as adults learn that their old album is suddenly worth a lot of money, and so they plan a reunion. This happened in real life. Bill's brother Tom was in a band in the late '60s and they recorded an album in 1967. Fifteen years later they found out by accident that the album was worth $5,000 and collectors had them reunite. In Bill's book, it's 30 years later, the album is worth $10,000 and they can't get out of their own way to reunite. Fiction, based on fact . . . . sort of like FOX News. Buh-dum-bum.

Bill's brother was in a band. Did Bill play an instrument? Bill tried his hand(s) at playing the drums. When Bill traveled the road as a comedian, he would sit in with the bands if there was lounge in another room. He once played behind Jerry Lee Lewis, Jr. Of course, this was 6 months before the cops picked him up for pretending to be Jerry Lee Lewis, Jr. Bill's pretending to be a drummer was not met as harshly (buh-dum-bum. Bill has always loved music and if you read his column in Sports Illustrated, he would always close the piece with some obscure 1960s band, such as, "My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Sam and the Sham and the Pharoahs."

Bill Scheft's "Time Won't Let Me" - it's in stores now. Also look for his other two works, "The Ringer" and "The Best of The Show."

And that was our show for Friday, December 16, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

My weekend plans: the same every year the week before Christmas. Go to the mall; walk around the parking lot with my car keys in hand. That's it. Just walk around up and down the parking lot. And watch the line of cars following me to take my spot. But I won't be going to my car. I'll just be walking around. I like to see how many fender-benders I can create when I approach a car as if it were my own right by the handicap spot. Shoppers would kill for that spot on a Saturday afternoon in December. And then next Saturday, Christmas Eve, I like to sit in the mall. I'll have all my shopping done and wrapped. I'll sit on a bench eating an ice cream cone listening to the "Silent Night" music. And I'll watch all the crazed shoppers screaming and swearing at their family members and friends. It's very entertaining . . . and it's free.

And speaking of shopping . . . why are there no rules when it comes to grocery shopping? It's totally helter skelter up and down the aisles at the supermarket. There is no rhyme or reason. There are no rules! It's like professional wrestling. People stopping in the middle of the aisle; backing up, going forward, then making a U-Turn; stopping without signaling; parking their cart on the right side of the aisle to look at an item on the left side of the aisle --- it's crazy. I'm sort of new to this grocery shopping but I can't believe no one has yet organized a system to promote the smooth flow of shopping cart travel.

I'm watching the "Young and the Restless" today.
During the opening credits: Director - Conal O'Brien.
Conal O'Brien, Conan O'Brien. Conan O'Brien, Conal O'Brien.

So I'm watching the 1933 King Kong movie the other night and Kong gets in a fight with a lizard-type dinosaur, a T-Rex I believe. I laughed when I saw Kong take the lizard to the ground with a perfect single-leg take down, a wrestling move I learned in high school. The fight continues and I detect other wrestling moves by Kong and the lizard. Two days later I'm putting a script cover together and decide to go with a King Kong theme. I spend a few minutes googling this and that, looking for something interesting. I google - 1933 King Kong Trivia. I figured I could put the best trivia on the cover in honor of the big King Kong opening. I clicked on the following. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0024216/trivia
And I found this piece of trivia:
The film was directed by Merian C. Cooper and Ernest B. Schoedsack, and then I read this:

"Both Merian C. Cooper and Ernest B. Schoedsack had been wrestlers, and they acted out the fighting moves for the battle between the T Rex and Kong in the effects studio, before the animators shot the scene."

Ta da! I was right!

From the April 25, 2005 Wahoo Gazette:

"AMATEUR PROGRAMMER: I'm no network programmer but I like to play one in the Wahoo, so if I were in charge here at CBS and FOX decided they were done with 'Arrested Development,' I would grab it up in a split sec. I admit I've never seen the show but I like the commercials, the buzz is always great, and if my wife didn't hog the TV Sunday night for 'Desperate Housewives,' I would likely be a big fan."

FIGHTING TO GET ARRESTED
December 15, 2005 -- 'ARRESTED Development" could have a second life on ABC or Showtime.
"Conversations are ongoing with both networks," an industry insider told The Post yesterday.
Both networks are contemplating picking up the quirky, Emmy-winning Fox series, according to trade reports.
ABC "is having preliminary conversations" about acquiring the show, a network spokesman told The Post yesterday. "Arrested Development" hasn't been officially canceled by Fox, but isn't expected to return after its third-season order was cut from 22 episodes to 13 episodes.

For the rest of the article:
http://www.nypost.com/seven/12152005/entertainment/59705.htm

Anybody else need my advice? Next!

Howard Stern is gone from free radio. I walked by the celebration of his final show on K-Rock this morning and it was quite an event. It was just around the corner from here. He'll next be heard on Sirius radio on January 9th. I haven't yet bought the Sirius and I'm still not sure if I'm going to. I keep going back and forth. If I don't get it, I'm not sure if it'll bother me that I'm missing Howard . . . what will bother me is having to listen to everyone else. I'm sure I won't appreciate how good Howard is until I have to spend some morning in traffic listening to someone who is trying to be Howard. That will probably force me into buying Sirius. . . . not so much Howard . . . it'll be the non-Howards that convince me.
I don't like everything Howard does but, jiminy crickets, the guy's on 4-5 hours a day. It's amazing he can keep going this long for so long and keep it funny. If you're keeping a Howard scorecard at home, you can definitely put me down on the side of "Fan".

The Howard Stern Show: "The Last of a Dying Breed"
The Wahoo Gazette: "The First of a Thriving Breed"