Dave has a personal matter he wishes to take care of tonight. The other day while attempting to "fix something" around the house, he accidentally knifed himself between his forefinger and his thumb. The gash required 4 stitches. He shows the stitched injury to the camera. Then he takes out a tiny camera he can operate to show a real up-close shot of the nearly severed hand. Later on in the show, Dr. Richard Hotchkiss will remove the stitches. Dr. Hotchkiss is the senior attending hand surgeon at the Hospital for Special Surgery.

Of course, when Dave has a new toy like this tiny handheld camera, you know he must use it and then abuse it. He puts the camera under his shirt where we observe traces of chest hair. And then he sticks the camera down his pants. You could almost hear the FCC saying, "Great. We're rid of Howard Stern for one day and now this."

King Kong opened last week and the city still has the King Kong Fever. It was no surprise that Dave saw this earlier today.

Announcer: "An angry fifty foot gorilla with unimaginable strength, on the loose . . . it's every property owner's nightmare. That's why you need Giant Ape Insurance from Allstate. Whether you own a commercial or residential building, you'll have the peace of mind that comes from knowing you're covered in the event of an attack by a crazed monkey. Protect your investment. Call you Allstate agent today! Policy does not cover damage caused by Godzilla."

Announcer: "In the event of a transit strike, New York City has plans to keep commuters moving. Cabs will be allowed to pick up multiple fares. Carpooling will be required sough of 96th Street, and all subway trains will be 'U-Drive-'Em.' How hard can it be, right? Have fun! A message from Mayor Michael Bloomberg."

And now it's time to remove the stitches. Dave introduces Dr. Robert Hotchkiss. Joining the Doctor are our two nurses who double as the LATE SHOW models. They are here to lend Dave some much needed TLC.

Dave has the Doctor examine the stitched gash which has just recently re-opened. A concerned Dave believes that there were not enough stitches placed into his hand originally which resulted in the cut to reopen. Not the case, says Dr. Hotchkiss. He says the perfect amount of stitches were placed into the gash. . . 4 was perfect. What does Dr. Hotchkiss think of the cut on Dave's hand? Says the Doctor: "In all my years of medicine, this is the worst injury I've ever seen on a human."

It's now time for the surgical removal of the stitches. And while the Doctor is removing the stitches, we will show a re-enactment of just how Dave suffered this self-inflicted gash, performed by our friends at the Hello Deli, Rupert and Mae Chin.

The doctor begins the operation. And we see Rupert and Mae as an insert in the lower right hand corner of the screen. Mae (slapping a large candle in front of Rupert) "Here. Fix this candle and try not to cut yourself, dumbass."
Rupert: "Yes, dear."
Rupert begins to carve away at the candle. Doctor Hotchkiss is removing the stitches from Dave's hand. Suddenly, Rupert cuts himself in the hand with his knife. Blood squirts everywhere. Rupert cries out in pain. Oh, the humanity. When the Doctor finishes his procedure, Dave asks how deep was the gash. Dr. Hotchkiss says with confidence, "Very deep." Dave follows with, "And that's your medical opinion . . . very deep." As the doctor places the bandage on Dave hand, Dave asks, "How long will I need to keep this covered?" Dr. Hotchkiss answers, "Just till the end of the show."

And finally, Dave asks, "When you're finished, will I be able to play the piano?" The doctor does not answer, aware of the joke to follow. Seeing Dave isn't about to get a bite, Dave doesn't complete the joke and throws to commercial.

And the joke? "When you're finished, will I be able to play the piano?"
Doctor: "Why, of course!"
Dave: "That's amazing, because I don't know how to play one now."

TOP TEN: Signs You're Not Going To Be Named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. - Bono and Microsoft founder Bill Gates and his wife Melinda were named 2005 Persons of the Year by Time Magazine.

#7. You were on the Robert Blake jury
#5. You were on the Michael Jackson jury
#4. Only compliment you got this year was some idiot telling you you're doing "A heck of a job."
#1. You did this (we see President Bush trying to open a locked door)

JIM CARREY: Jim is concerned that he isn't dressed festively enough for the holidays. I guess it being December slipped his mind. Now what to do? Jim does a quick scan of the audience and sees a gentleman sitting half way up the aisle wearing a very colorful Christmas sweater. He asks the man to stand and to lift his hands over his head. The guy follows as ordered, and then Jim quickly pulls the sweater over the guy's head. The now half-naked man sits down; Jim happy with his find. Jim returns to the desk and puts on his brand new Christmas sweater.

And that's all I saw of Jim Carrey. I had to prepare for something later in the show.

Jim Carrey's Fun with Dick and Jane opens Wednesday, December 21st).

. . . . but I did watch the show at home on Monday night. Jim's Holiday Wishes:
- That everyone go out and enjoy Fun with Dick and Jane Wednesday December 21st.
- King Kong doesn't do too well.
- Naomi Watts breaks up with her boyfriend and then Jim will offer a shoulder to cry on. She will be vulnerable . . . and Jim will take advantage of the situation . . . and then "we just get it on!"
- Angelina Jolie breaks up with Brad Pitt. And when she is most vulnerable, Jim will be there . . . .and "we just get it on!"
- Keira Knightley. . . see above.
- Lindsay Lohan. . . . see above.
- Oh . . . . and world peace.

In the film, Fun with Dick and Jane, Jim falls into some bad luck financially and so to make ends meet, he takes up a life of crime. Not knowing much about a life of crime (besides from what he's learned from his family), Jim decided to do some research on the matter, so he robbed liquor stores and banks and normal everyday people. One thing he learned is that when a celebrity commits a crime, the police never believe the accuser. "Why would a celebrity commit a crime?" the police say. It's one of the perks of being a celebrity.

BIFF HENDERSON'S CHRISTMAS GIFT CHALLENGE - Using only his powers of touch and smell, Biff will attempt to guess what's in a gift wrapped package. Originally, it was supposed to be a set of binoculars, but the item was mentioned in the script and Biff saw it. It was then changed to a glue gun, the item we planned to use for Friday's Will It Float? which we did not do.

ACT 5: It's Jim Carrey being arrested for trying to rip off the Hello Deli. Doing more research, I guess. Hey, Jim, you can't do that in this town. Mr. Carrey is carted off by New York's Finest.

WE ARE SCIENTISTS: From their soon to be released CD, With Love and Squalor, We Are Scientists performed "Nobody Moves, Nobody Gets Hurt." And that was our show for Monday December 19, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

During the day, I was asked to play a police officer who would be arresting Jim Carrey for attempting to rob the Hello Deli. After studying my weekly paycheck, I quickly agreed to the paying role. Just before the show, I got into my police uniform and met with my partner, Joe DeGeorge of the accountant department. We did a quick run-through with the director as to what we would be doing. Jim Carrey was not yet at the theater. Then I did my nightly duties leading up the show. I continued with what I had to do, right up to the point where Jim took the Christmas sweater off the guy in the audience. I made my way to the Hello Deli. Once there, Joe and I again went through our steps:

- I would be handcuffing Jim at the top of the ACT 5.
- Joe would be the first out the door, followed by Jim, with me going out last. We did this so Jim would be facing the camera during the exit.
- Once outside, Joe would run ahead to open the back door to the police car. As I struggled to get Jim in the car, Joe would run around the car and jump in behind the wheel, ready to take off as soon as I got in.
- Joe and I both knew Jim would be playing it up big to the camera and to the photographers. How much, we did not know.
- Security asked us to drive down 53rd Street and to stop right by the side entrance. I said we would, but I told Joe to drive far past the side entrance. We could always back up. For the shot, we could not get in trouble for driving too far down 53rd Street. We could screw it up if we didn't drive far enough, so farther was better.
- Before Jim arrived, Joe and I checked three times to make sure the police car doors were unlocked.
- Joe and I suggested to the stage manager that we keep the back window of the police car open, the window Jim would be sitting. We figured Jim would want to scream out the window as we drove off. - And we made sure the car would be running before we got in. Less to do usually makes things easier to do. All Joe would have to do was throw it in drive and pull out.
- And then we waited for Jim.
- We are told Biff just finished his amazingly comical Biff Henderson's Christmas Gift Challenge. Jim Carrey should be here any second. - When Jim arrived, he quickly introduces himself . . . as if that was necessary. We quickly tell him how we will do the bit. We wanted to start with his being handcuffed. We wanted to cheat his back towards the camera so it would read. I'm not sure how successful we were.
- We then tell Jim that Joe would lead us out the door, followed by Jim, followed by me. Before we can get any further, we are told to standby. We are just about to go.
- We are cued. The struggle begins. Jim is cuffed and he is led out. He is barking at the camera but I barely listen to what he is saying. The start is not as manic as I expected.
- When we get outside, I sense a lot of flashbulbs going off. Jim picks up the energy. Joe opens the back door to the police car as I attempt to get Jim in the back. I figured I would give him a few seconds to emote, but I don't want this to go on too long.
- I place my hand on top of Jim's head to get him in the back seat. This maneuver is never taught at the Police Academy. If you see a real police officer doing this, it's because he learned it from seeing it on TV.
- I pretend to be pushing Jim's head really hard. I'm not. It's acting, folks. After a few seconds, I increase my effort. When Jim isn't willing to get in the car, I increase my effort a bit more. It wasn't visible on camera, but I knee Jim in the belly. I actually kneed him harder than I wanted. Ooops. I knee him again, this time not as hard. Later when I watched the clip, I was disappointed that you could not see me kneeing the Hollywood star.
- I finally get Jim Carrey into the car and I hop into the front seat. Joe, right on cue, drives off. In the car I apologize to Jim as soon as he stops screaming out the window. He says everything was great. I thought it went pretty good but we really have no idea. When you’re in the middle of it, you have the worst seat in the house.
- We drive past the guest entrance. I hop out and guide Joe to back. When Jim gets out of the car, I attempt to uncuff him, knowing how the cuffs can be painful for those cuffed for the first time. As flashbulbs pop pop pop, it is suggested I uncuff Mr. Carrey inside the building. I was embarrassed at the obvious rightful suggestion and scurry him inside the theater. I uncuff the star, who seems very happy how it went. And that was that.

Afterwards, a staffer laughed and said, “In the old days you would have kneed him. I was waiting for you to knee him.” But I did! I did!

Jim Carrey – I’d like to work with him again some day. Nice guy . . . and it only took one take!

The big question: How many newspapers and magazines will have photographs of Jim Carrey being arrested?

The other day I wrote about Alan Kalter in "Who Asked For It?" He sang the song, "Papa Don't Preach" to a young, pretty co-ed in the audience. Asking for music from Paul, Alan called out "Hit it, Eubanks!" For some reason when I typed this out, by the time it got into the Wahoo Gazette, Eubanks became Huey. I have no idea why. So if you're keeping score at home, it was "Eubanks," not "Huey." “Hit it, Huey”?

TUESDAY MORNING:
The Transit Strike is on! The subways and city busses are not running. The subway system runs within the city limits. The city busses do as well. Busses and trains that start from outside the city and travel into the city, and vice versa, are still in operation. If you are driving into Manhattan south of 96th Street, you need to have 4 people in your car. If not, you are not allowed to continue. I decided my best bet would be to take the bus. It drops me off at 41st Street and 8th Avenue. Traffic on the highways leading into the Lincoln Tunnel was nonexistent. Walking the 12 blocks to the theater I noticed the street traffic was minimal. The Transit Strike posed little problem for me. I asked the city dwellers how it was for them and they said that they had no more than a minor inconvenience. So far, it hasn’t been too bad for most. If it keeps up like this, the Transit Workers will have to forget about a raise. They’ll be offered a pay cut . . . and be happy to have it!

Again, the city and the Transit workers went about this all wrong. They should have made a secret deal which would benefit both. This is how it would work. The Transit workers shouldn’t have gone on strike at 3:00 AM in the morning. They should have gone on strike at noon. Then, all the workers who took the subway and city busses in the morning would be trapped with no ride home at night. They would have to rent out hotel rooms. They would have to eat at the city restaurants and drink at the city bars. All that money would be coming into the city . . . . and then at 10:00 PM, the Transit workers would call off the strike. They would get what they want and the city would have made all that money in the process.

I’m thinking of going on strike . . . except I don’t think anyone would notice.