Dave was doing some Christmas shopping earlier today and he came across something strange. He doesn’t think it’s going to be available for long. It’s the Fisher-Price Bag O’ Choking Hazards.

It was a lovely ceremony earlier today in Rockefeller Center. Two weeks ago was the annual lighting of the Christmas tree. Today was the lighting of the Hanukkah menorah. We see the countdown and the festive lighting . . . followed by the candled menorah being knocked over by a huge New York City rat.

Have you seen the new Apple iPod? It’s brand new especially for the holidays. Dave shows the iNog. It stores almost an ounce of egg nog. Dave pours the contents of the iNog into a small cup and enjoys. Uh oh. The egg nog may have gone bad. He thinks the stagehands may be having a little fun with him again. Dave should have picked up the refrigerated iNog.

And in honor of the holidays, the LATE SHOW has incorporated a beloved Christmas fixture into our show tonight. The camera widens to reveal on the front of Dave’s desk we will be featuring the seasonal Yule Log. Says Dave, “From where I’m sitting, this is a great place to roast your nuts.

Big news out of England today as Elton John married his longtime partner, David Furnish. Everybody’s excited. Dave saw this announcement.

Announcer: “Elton John married a dude! If you were a guest, tomorrow bring your invitation from the gay wedding to any Loews theater and get $5 off that gay cowboy movie! Loews theater --- come have gay sex in our theaters!

And now it’s time for “George W. Bush Word of the Day: Appreciate.” From his Monday press conference, we see the President say the word “appreciate” time and time again. I laughed. It reminded me of my days back in the 11th grade. My summer job was raking leaves. My boss, Jay Feinberg, was a college freshman. Halfway through a day of toil, Jay tried to renegotiate the price of a certain job. Time and time again when he told the guy he hoped to up the cost, he would add, “I’d appreciate it.” Finally, the guy said, “I don’t give a damn how much you ‘appreciate’ it; you’re not getting another dime.” To this day, whenever I see Jay I’ll ask him for something and add, “I’d appreciate it.” He hasn’t hit me yet.

Everybody wants to get into the act. Dave has some more festive stuff. Out on his desk he dumps a box of red and green holiday bullets. I know . . . I don’t get it either. Dave quickly tries to clean up the array of bullets from his desk. One drops into his shoe. Picking up the bullets one by one, Dave mutters, “It’s like a party at P.Diddy’s house.”

WHO SAID IT? Some of my favorites.
“Fa la la la la.” Who said it?
Paul: “Christmas carolers?”
Dave: “No, President Bush trying to pronounce ‘Fallujah.’”

“I demand the government put a stop to it. No one should be forced to endure such torture.” Who said it?
Paul: “Senator John McCain?”
Dave: “No, the producer of ‘The Regis Philbin Christmas Album.’”

Dave takes a moment to point out all the traffic in the city due to the Transit strike. He directs our attention to the bridge behind him in the skyline. It is jammed with cars and pedestrians. I laughed. This was planned for Monday. We never got to it. It hadn’t been mentioned since. Dave’s going to the traffic on the bridge was grabbed out of the blue. During the show, we saw a side shot of the bridge by one of the available cameras. We may have changed the shot after the show. We did have a shot of the bridge going into commercial.

“Now that I don’t have to deal with the FCC, expect to see me with more strippers and lesbians than ever.” Who said it?
Paul: “Howard Stern”
Dave: “No, Ted Koppel.”

“I was visited by four ghostly apparitions, each more morbid than the last.” Who said it?
Paul: “Ebenezer Scrooge.”
Dave: “No, the makeup artist at ’60 Minutes’”

“I’m just a working class Joe, out here in the cold, sticking it to the man.” Who said it?
Paul: “A protesting transit worker on strike.”
Dave: “No. The cast of ‘Brokeback Mountain.’”

And that was “Who Said It.”

ALAN KALTER’S TRANSIT STRIKE GUIDE: New York City is in the middle of a Transit Strike, so we decided to send out our announcer Alan Kalter to give us a report.

We see Alan Kalter walking down a Manhattan street. Alan: “Like most New Yorkers I was initially upset about the transit strike, but it’s turned out to be a blessing in disguise. The lack of subways and buses has allowed me to rediscover the joy of walking in Manhattan. Why be cramped in a crowded subway car when you can be out experiencing Christmas-time in Manhattan! I just take out my trusty iPod, fire up a little Genesis and I’m ready to rock!
(Singing) She seems to have an invisible touch, yeah! She reaches in and grabs control of your heart. She sees to have an invisible touch!”
Suddenly, Alan is approached by two thugs.
Thug #1: “Where you going, superstar?”
Alan: “What gives?”
Thug #2: “Shut your ass, Hollywood. You ain’t gonna be doing any Odor Eater commercials after I cut you, bitch!"
Thugs grab Alan’s iPod and wallet.
Alan: “C’mon, man, don’t take my bread!”
Thugs beat Alan to the ground.
Thug #2: “Later, baby doll.”

The strike is harder on some than on others.

TOP TEN: Signs Santa is Mad at You.
#9. Pounds glass of mile and then your wife.
#6. Instead of “Merry Christmas,” he tells you, “Suck it.”
#1. Instead of “Naughty” or “Nice,” you’re listed as “Asshole.”

NATHAN LANE: He’s celebrating his new film, The Producers, opening nationwide on Christmas Day. As always, Nathan has some things to say and he gets to all of it. He is one of our better prepared guests; knows what he wants to get out, gets it out, rarely seems forced. And his stuff is funny. The guy’s a pro. And Dave knows it. He knows to keep to script, ask the questions, and stay out of the way.

It’s been almost two years since Nathan’s been here. What’s he been doing? “In the words of King Kong’s back waxer, ‘That’s a lot of ground to cover.” He somehow found himself working as a drug mule, smuggling counterfeit Cialis across the Mexican border. Lacking experience at these things, instead of swallowing a balloon filled with 200 pills, he swallowed them individually. He felt really stupid for about 60 minutes, but then he forgot about it for the next. . . . 7200 hours.

“The Odd Couple,” his new play on Broadway, has been showing in front of sold-out houses. Not all has gone smoothly, though. He got his finger caught in a door to the point his entire fingernail came off. It looked like he had been to “a manicurist at one of Dick Cheney’s secret CIA prisons.” He had it wrapped in a huge white bandage. On stage, he looked like one of those guys at a football game with giant, foam #1 finger. “Neil Simon - #1 You rule!”

But it didn’t slow him down. Being a New Yorker, all you really need is your middle finger.

Recovery has been OK. The nail is growing back kind of weird, though. A few weeks back, you could see “the Virgin Mary in my fingernail. The cars were lined up around the block.”

Nathan has been blessed with great success of late. And he keeps looking for more. His most recent venture is putting on the Broadway stage a musical based on the new film, Brokeback Mountain. It’s not quite ready, but Nathan has brought along part of his troupe for us to sample what has been accomplished so far. Here is a scene from the soon to be Broadway blockbuster, “Brokeback: The Musical.” Nathan moves to center stage. The curtain rises to reveal an outdoor western scene.

NATHAN: (speaking) “There’s a couple of guys in the meadow
Baring the supple thighs in the meadow
Don’t ask and don’t tell, or the sheriff, or course,
Will round up those boys and hang them like a horse” GAY COWBOY #1: “Hung like a horse?”

NATHAN: “It’s risky to be a gay cowpoke
There’s no ‘coming out’ around here
Men never got frisky on Gunsmoke
Please keep in mind I ain’t queer”

NATHAN: (tune of “Oklahoma”)
“Broooooooke-back Mountain
Where those jolly ranchers disappeared
In the tent to sleep, after driving sheep
When the fire went out, then things got weird”

“Broooooooke-back Mountain
It’s enough to make me change my mind
Loosen my bootstraps, and drop my chaps. . .
And decide to quit while I’m behind.”

NATHAN (tune of “New York, New York”)
“Start spreading . . . . OK, I’m not going there. . .

GAY COWBOY #1 (tune of “You’re the Top)
”You’re the top . . .

NATHAN: “You’re the chaw that I chew . . .

GAY COWBOY #2:
“You’re the top . . .

NATHAN: “I wish I could quit you . . .
You’re a rodeo queen, in denim jeans and shirt
You’re an Indian Chief, you’re John Wayne’s briefs,
you’re such a flirt,
You adorn every horse you straddle
You’re the horn on a bareback saddle
You’re a strapping hunk of man with mutton chops
And if baby, I’m the bottom, you’re the top!

NATHAN AND COWBOYS (tune of “Oklahoma”)
“So let me say, O!
My gosh I think I’m gay
I guess I’m saying, ‘I’m busting out, Brokeback Mountain
Brokeback Mountain, I’m S-O-G-A-Y, so gay, Brokeback Mountain!
FABULOUS!”

Thunderous applause, flowers for Nathan.

I don’t know. Are you sure the musical isn’t named, “Broke Back Mounting”

ACT 5: Alan: “It’s time for a ‘Late Show Holiday Greeting’”

Pat Farmer: “Hi, I’m Late Show stagehand Pat Farmer. I’d like to wish a ‘Merry Christmas’ to my lovely wife Patty and my two adorable children Jackson and Anna. Oh, I’d also like to wish a ‘Merry Christmas’ to my girlfriend Jennifer, who I keep in a love nest on the East Side. Merry Christmas, sweetheart!”
Alan: “Atta boy, Pat! This has been a ‘Late Show Holiday Greeting’”

TOM DREESEN: an old friend of the show. Tom will be appearing at the Performing Arts Center, Governor State University in Illinois on January 7th. I like Tom’s visits, probably because he is so darn show-business. I love the Hollywood stories, made up they may be. Always smiling, always on, always with a story. Tom tells a funny story about doing a show in front of an Alcoholic Anonymous group. Before the show, he was asked by somebody who did not recognize him, “Are you in the program?” Thinking she wanted to know if he was going to perform that night, and not asking about the AA program, he says “Yes, I am.”

She says, “Oh, that’s wonderful. For how long?”

Tom responds, “Oh, I’m not going on the program for about another hour.”

“Well don’t put it off,” she counters.

Tom comes back with, “I won’t. I just want to get a drink first.”

How much of that was true? I don’t know, but I love the delight he has in telling the story.

To finish up, Dave asks about Tom’s recent #3 ranking as a celebrity golfer. #1 is Dennis Quaid. Ever play Dennis? Tom challenges Dennis to a around of golf, $500 a hole. And they have to play with their own money, not other people’s money. Tom looks straight into the camera and challenges Dennis Quaid. $500 dollars a hole. This could come out to $9,000. Shortly after, Tom looks to Dave and asks, “Can I borrow $9,000?”

Tom is currently working on his one-man show, “Shining Shoes and Sinatra” as a fundraiser for a family in need. This is the performance he’ll be putting on at Governor State University on January 7th.

Tom Dreesen and Nathan Lane . . . a couple of real pros.

And that was our show for Wednesday December 21, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

I’m thinking of driving in Thursday morning. Yes, I know private cars are not allowed south of 96th Street unless it is carrying 4 passengers but I have a plan. I’ll drive down Broadway and when I near 96th Street, I’ll pick up any 3 pedestrians. I’ll then happily wave to the police officer at the intersection as I make my way south, proudly pointing to my 3 additional passengers in the back. And then when I get to 95th Street I’ll stop the car and tell my pickups, “Get the ‘GIVL’ out of my car!”

(To decipher ‘GIVL’ simply look to the left of each letter in “GIVL” on your keyboard)

Not only are the transit workers on strike, but after watching some basketball last night, I think the Knicks are too.

It’s now Thursday morning. I decided to beat all the traffic. Right after Wednesday’s show I went home without doing any post-show work. I went to sleep early and then woke at 4:00 AM and came to work before 5:00 AM before the 4-passenger rule below 96th Street went into effect. I’m typing this entire Wahoo at 5:30 in the morning. Traffic on the way in was very busy for the hour, so I’m not the only one who is crazy. I figured I could do all the ancillary stuff for the day before the sun comes up. Yes, this Wahoo is ancillary stuff.

And I’ve learned that the pre-morning show programs are pretty weak, you know, the ones before Katie Couric, Charles Gibson, and Joan Lunden. They think that anything is funny at 5:00 AM. It’s a bunch of kids born in the 70s telling joke that aren’t funny. It’s like Double-A ball for the big budget morning shows.

Then there’s the reporters born in the 80s who are out on the streets conducting interviews with people trying to get to work. Obviously there are no pre-interviews going on.
Reporter: “How long have you been waiting for a taxi?”
Guy: “About 5 minutes.”>
Reporter: “That’s it? 5 minutes?”
Guy: “Yeah, it’s not bad. Gotta go. There’s a cab.”
Reporter: “How is the traffic moving?”
Woman in car: “Fine. No problem. It’s going pretty well.”
Reporter: “How was your commute in to the city today?”
Man: “I take the train in from Long Island. No problem at all.”
Reporter: “How did you get in to work today?”
Man: “I live two blocks away. I walked.”
(pause)
Reporter: “Uhh, but if you lived way downtown, you would have had a lot of trouble getting to work. You would have had to walk a long long way.”
Man: “Yeah . . . . but I only live two blocks away.”
Reporter: “Back to you, Jim.”

From Wahoo reader Pam Narozny, alerting me to this photo of Joe DeGeorge and me taking Jim Carrey to the slammer.
http://www.supload.com/free/jc-862401.jpg/view/

The other day I wrote:

"I'm sort of new to this grocery shopping but I can't believe no one has yet organized a system to promote the smooth flow of shopping cart maneuvering."

Shoppers at the supermarket go helter skelter with no rhyme or reason. Nobody stays to the right, everybody gets in the way, no one has any peripheral vision. It's absolutely chaotic.

Wahoo Reader Helen Read explains:

"The stores are deliberately designed to impede the smooth flow of shopping cart travel. You know how difficult it is for one cart to pass another in those narrow aisles? That's planned. You know those displays set up right smack in the middle of the aisle, getting in everybody's way? That's called 'turbulence'; it's there to slow you down. Many staple items are purposely placed as far as possible from the entrance to the store, so that you have to walk through the entire store to get to the milk and bread that you stopped in for. The strategy behind all of this is to keep you in the store longer, so that you buy more."

My idea: If you want to look at something on the right side of the aisle, then you must park your cart on the right side of the aisle. None of this "I'll take up the right side of the aisle while my cart takes up the left side." It's nonsense. And why can't that lady sense I want to get past her? Doesn't she see me? Why do I have to move her cart? Hello! Hello?

Every Jets win from here on in just takes them a step farther away from a Brett Favre and a stop closer to a Browning Nagle.

It’s the first day of winter! From here on in, the days get longer.

Transit workers make a higher starting salary than the police.