After 20-plus years, Dave has finally run out of ideas for the show. That's why we've ripped off the Today show's "Where In The World is Matt Lauer?" It's something we call, "Where In The World Is Biff Henderson?" So where is Biff?
Biff: "I'm in Floral Park, New York at a Jiffy Lube." What's going on at the Jiffy Lube?" Biff responds, "Absolutely nothing."

I'm familiar with this Jiffy Lube on Long Island. It's my landmark to make a right turn onto Tulip Avenue when going to my friend's house.

FOX NEWS SLOW NEWS DAY: Some days the news is so slow, programs will use anything to fill up time. Monday on Fox News' "Dayside," Glen Campbell performed Rhinestone Cowboy. The "Dayside" audience happily sings along whether they knew the words or not. At the end of the first verse, Glen yells out to one of the hosts, "Keep going?" And you can hear, "Sure." Slow news day.

Dave hopes what he's heard it true . . . during The Color Purple performance . . . maybe . . . perhaps . . . there is a chance that Oprah will be performing with the cast. Granted, there is not much of a chance, but it could happen.

These Carolina Cheerleaders really raised a ruckus. After a game, they were all wound up and went into a toilet to have sex. Dave decides to soften his intro, changing "into a toilet" to "a restroom facility to have cheerleading sex." Dave saw something on the TV today we shares with us.

Announcer: "The behavior of the Panthers cheerleaders is a disgrace to cheerleaders everywhere. But it's still not as embarrassing at this."
(quick shot of Yale Eli, George W. Bush, as a cheerleader barking into a huge megaphone).

"Rabies Clinic and Bake Sale"
Dave: "Our dessert treats will make your mouth water and foam."

"Michelob Family 12-Pack"
Dave: "You know the rules, kids: No dessert until you finish your Michelob.

"George W. Nowlin: Northwest Customer Service Agent by day . . . real estate agent by night!"
Dave: "When the sun goes down, it's like I don't even know George."

"Dirt Devil Swivel Glide Vacuum, $79.88 closeout. Was $79.99."
Dave: "I'm gonna hold off and see if they'll go down another 11 cents."

"Annual Valentine's Day Sale. Special treat: Lingerie Show. Place: Putnam County Senior Citizen Facility."
Dave: "Grandma! You look like a slut!"

Biff having fun?
Biff says, "Of course not, I'm in this pit."

TOP TEN: Questions Paris Hilton Asked Herself Before Buying a Monkey - last Saturday, Paris Hilton's new pet monkey, named Baby Luv, bit and clawed her face while the two went shopping at a lingerie boutique in Los Angeles.
#6. "Will it get along with whatever wealthy twit I'm currently engaged to?"
#2. "Can it be trained to operate a video camera?"

ELLEN DEGENERES: She’s in New York all next week for her Ellen show. Why? She says to Dave, “You know how important it is to keep it fresh!” Dave scoffs, “Ha! We gave up 15 years ago.” One show will feature segments from all 5 boroughs. And for you out of towners, what are the five boroughs of New York City?
1. Manhattan
2. Bronx
3. Brooklyn
4. Queens
5. Staten Island

Dave asks Ellen, “You used to have boyfriends, right?” She says she did. Dave is unsure how that works. Ellen explains she used to be crazy about guys . . . until she got out of high school. In fact, one guy in particular she was very fond of . . . and he’s now the mayor of . . . a town. Doh! She almost said the town!

Ellen and her girlfriend Portia, P-O-R-T-I-A (DING), own a ranch which they spend a lot of time. Lots of horseback riding and ranch stuff like that. She says she sees a lot of animal-life on the ranch and wonders if Dave sees a lot on his. They then discuss the odds of winning a fight with a mountain lion. Dave thinks you can possibly win a fight with a mountain lion. Ellen doesn’t think so. Dave was adamant, but so was Ellen. How about bears? They both agree you can’t win a fight with a bear, but Ellen offers that one should open their jacket wide to make yourself look bigger . . . and bears don’t like show tunes. Make yourself look big and show tunes can maybe scare off a bear. I guess that makes Rosie O’Donnell safe. Buh-dum-bum.

Dave asks Ellen how her heart is doing. Ellen has atrial fibrillation, some kind of electrical problem with her heart that makes her heart race. It can sometimes go up to 180 beats a minute. Wow. Dave says with exertion you can get your heart up to 170-175 beats a minute. Ellen disagrees, but Dave remains adamant.

And speaking of racing, Ellen took the Richard Petty Driving Experience and drove 160 mph with someone in the car and solo’d at 118 mph. What was the fastest Dave drove? Dave says he once did 150 on the L.I.E. (Long Island Expressway).

ACT 4: Where's Biff? He's in the Pit of the Jiffylube. We finally find him down below where the real work is done at the J.Lube. What has he learned? Biff says he's learned that used motor oil tastes great! Biff dips a styrofoam cup into a pan of motor oil and slurps it down. Not only does it taste good, it's also makes a great laxative.

ACT 5: It's Biff at Biffylube.

THE COLOR PURPLE: Now in previews at the Broadway Theater at the s/w corner of 53rd and Broadway. The highly anticipated show, with Oprah's backing, opens December 1st. It looks to be a boffo hit in the making.

And that was our show for Wednesday November 16, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

I’m glad to see nothing is going on in the world. Today’s New York Post’ front page headline and photo showed Yankee bachelor Derek Jeter cavorting in Hawaii with his girlfriend. Wowee!

There was this headline on the sports page of my local paper:

“Kobe scores 42; Lakers end Knicks streak at 2”

I heard the Today show ran “Where In The World Is Biff Henderson?” this morning.

Do you like the local politics? I'm starting to follow it and it's quite interesting. In fact, I suggest for you to turn off your TV one night and head over to your local town board meeting. Every now and then you can catch a real good one.

Just outside my town, a long-time Republican town clerk was defeated in the last election, pending a recount. She had held the position for 28 years. The newcomer, a Democrat and a mere 24-year-old, will step in.

Now a Republican Town Board member is suggesting the salary for the clerk's position be decreased to reflect the newbie's lack of experience as opposed to the 28 years of experience of the former incumbent. Says one Town Board member: "For a person coming in, if they're brand new, we ought to examine whether we should lower the salary." The town's Supervisor responded, "My first reaction is you don't look at the person. It (the salary) doesn't fluctuate based on who comes in."

If you listen real closely, you can hear the town's new incoming police officers and school teachers clicking their heels! I guess, according to the town's supervisor, you should examine the position, not the person. First-year cops and teachers should expect to be paid just as much as those senior on the list who hold the same title. Congratulations, kids!

But the real reason incoming politicians are paid just as much as long-time incumbents is because the incumbents want it that way. Incumbents DON'T want their opponent to be paid less than them if elected. It would be too tempting for the voters to vote for the bargain. At least that's the way I see it.

Uh oh. My local gin mill, The Depot, is under new management. They’ve been closed off and on for the past month refurbishing an already fine dark and dank pub. I hope they don’t undank it. I especially liked the hole in the floor by the 4th stool from the end. Another stool had uneven legs and it was always fun to rock back and forth, letting you pretend that you were actually doing something. The Depot is now named “JV’s Grill of Sparkill” and bills itself as an ever-so-slightly upscale pub. Ooooh, upscale? The slighter the better, I say. The grand opening is Friday night. Here’s hoping I get the wobbly barstool.

Check out the Tony Mendez Show, featuring New York’s hot new musical group, Cosmopolis. They’ll be performing Friday night, the 18th, at Ace of Clubs - 9 Great Jones Street between Lafayette and Broadway.

Howard Stern is on the show Thursday night. Always interesting; always has something to say. And I recommend you listen to his radio show Friday morning for his recap of his visit.