KNOW YOUR CURRENT EVENTS
CONTESTANT #1 – A police officer from Cedar Knolls, New Jersey – I didn’t catch his name. He’s been a patrolman for 3 years now.
Question #1. “Last week, Dick Cheney experienced shortness of breath after doing this.”
The cop answers: “I don’t remember.”
Answer: “Downloading the Colin Farrell sex video."
Question #2: “At the Supreme Court Confirmation Hearings last week, what made Samuel Alito’s wife, Martha-Ann, cry?”
The cop answers: “They said something that I don’t remember.”
Answer: “She imagined Ted Kennedy without a shirt.”

I want to take a moment to commend this police officer from Cedar Knolls, New Jersey. It was like he was on the stand. He was asked two KYCE questions. His response: “I don’t remember.” And he’s only been on the Force for 3 years? “I don’t remember.” He sounds like a seasoned veteran. Nice job. Offer nothing. No need to help out the defense. “I don’t remember.”

CONTESTANT #2 – Stephanie, a Navy officer out of Washington D.C. She attended Villanova in Philadelphia. Dave suspects she looks tremendous in uniform. My ears perked when she said she was stationed on the USS Bunker Hill. (is ‘stationed’ the right word?) My Uncle Frank was aboard the Bunker Hill, “The Holiday Express” in World War II. I believe he missed the May 11, 1945 kamikaze attack of the ship by two weeks, resulting in 346 dead, 264 wounded. Stephanie, I’m guessing, was aboard “The Sword of the Fleet.”
Question #3: “On this week’s episode of ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ fans of NFL legend Jerry Rice were surprised to witness what?”
Answer: “His 50th career groin pull.”
Question #4: “Why did a movie theater in Utah now show ‘Brokeback Mountain’?”
Answer: “The gay projectionist was busy having sex with a gay usher.”

CONTESTANT #3 – Lisa, from Sickleville, New Jersey. She worked at a boat rep for some big boat company or something like that. Lisa owned a boat but recently sold it. Dave and Lisa talk boats.
Question #5: “Later this year, what will reach 300,000,000?”
Answer: “The average price of a New York City apartment . . . am I right, people!?”
Question #6: “What glamorous unmarried celebrity couple is expecting their first baby together?”
Answer: “Barbara Walters and me.”

And that was Know Your Current Events.

JOHNNY DARK: You know Johnny. He’s the guy who’s been a CBS Page for 39 years. He’s the oldest on the Page staff. And he’s here tonight. Dave introduces him and Johnny enters, sporting a nice black-eye shiner under his right eye. DAVE: “Johnny, nice to see you again. If I may ask, what happened to your . . . .”
JOHNNY: (says nothing, not sure what Dave is talking about)
DAVE: You’ve got a thing on your . . .”
JOHNNY: “Not following you, Dave.”
DAVE: “Your black eye.”
JOHNNY: “Oh, this! You think this is bad. You should see the other guy.” (laughs) “You should see the other guy.” (laughs) “The other guy is in far worse shape than me.” (laughs, then stops) “OK, I did a shot of Prestone and walked into a wrench.”
DAVE: “That’s too bad.”
JOHNNY: “You should see the other guy.” (lights a cigarette)
DAVE: “Johnny, we’ve been through this. You shouldn’t be smoking in here.”
JOHNNY: “And you shouldn’t be telling Clinton jokes five years after he left office. Damn! 5 years!”
DAVE: “You got a point there.”
JOHNNY: “By the way, isn’t the anniversary of your heart attack coming up?”
DAVE: “Actually, it was last Saturday, and I’m happy to say I feel great.”
JOHNNY: “Oh, yeah, you look great . . . fifty bucks says you’re dead in a year.”
DAVE: “That’s not nice.”
JOHNNY: “All right, I gotta go. I got to meet some broad about buying a boat.” (Johnny exits.)

TOP TEN: Questions on the Al Jazeera Anchor Application
Ted Koppel was offered a job on the Al Jazeera International Network. He refused. Nightline Correspondent Dave Marash jumped at the chance to be their anchorman.
#10. “Have you worked for any propaganda organizations besides FOX News?”
#7. “Photos of Saddam in his underpants: News or entertainment?”
#2. “Can we put a hidden camera in your turban?” Dave then sings the lyrics, “Can we put a hidden camera in your turban?”

CHARLES GRODIN: Oh, the cantankerous Charles. Charles explains his TV persona, or at least tries to over Dave’s interruptions. In Dave’s defense, though, sometimes when Charles tells a story he seems to think he’s on a 3-hour program. No, Mr. Grodin, we got to move it along. 33 years ago, Charles had an exclusive contract to appear on Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show. “Exclusive,” Charles underlines. He asks Dave, “What were you doing 33 years ago?” Dave thinks back and says he was working in Indianapolis. Charles smiles a smug smile, sizing up his own “exclusive contract” with Johnny Carson while Dave was still toiling in Indianapolis. Dave is quick to point out, though, “but you’re a great deal older than I.” Charles lets that slide by and continues with his story. Charles says he had an “exclusive contract” with Johnny Carson and the “exclusive contract” list was a very short list. Who else was on that list? Charles mentions “Burl Ives.” This got a big charge out of Paul. Paul at first thought it was a joke, which he found to be funny. When Paul realized it wasn’t a joke, he found it funnier.
Charles continues with his story. On Johnny’s Tonight Show one night when Charles was a guest, he was scheduled to follow Diana Ross singing a medley of her greatest hits. Charles admits to being an unknown at the time, even more so than he is today. (I’m joking! It’s just a joke! I like Grodin! I’m just needling the guy) Charles was backstage and knew he couldn’t follow an act like Diana Ross without something new and exciting. Charles decided to go with a cantankerous ‘tude. It worked very well, and he developed and continued with this act for years. He still does it now. Many only know Charles this way, but according to him, he’s not really like this at all. It’s just an act.
Dave tells a story of meeting Charles at a small deli in Connecticut. Charles clarifies, saying Dave met his son at the deli. Charles wasn’t there. Grodin says how his son went up to Dave at the deli and shyly mentioned, “Hi, I’m Charles Grodin’s son.” Charles says that Dave muttered with little interest and a touch of sympathy, “Good for you.” Dave denies the tone, though admits he probably said in a gleeful tone, “Good for you!” Dave and Charles then debated the tone for a few minutes.
Dave brings up Charles’ appearance in the 1976 King Kong movie. The 1933 is considered the classic. The most recent 2005 version is considered a fantastic recreation with incredible special effects. The 1976 King Kong. . . . . .
Dave asks Charles to share some memories of that film in which he co-starred with Jessica Lange. Charles deadpans, “My ‘Kong’ deserves more respect,” which brings a laugh from Dave. Dave wonders, “Now your ‘Kong’ . . . was that a TV movie?”
Charles gives his exasperated Charles’ look. We see a clip from the 1976 Kong movie. Actually, it did look like a TV movie, one that was passed over by the major networks and picked up by CBS. (I’m just joking, Ms. Tellem.)
Charles Grodin . . . always fun.

ACT 5: Alan announce: “Time for: Get To Know Your Late Show Crew!”
Camera operator Karin Grzella: “I’m camera operator Karin Grzella. I grew up in Newark, New Jersey and spent 6 years in Rikers for stealing from old people.”
Alan: “Great story! This has been: ‘Get To Know Your Late Show Crew!” This is Alan Kalter saying keep on keepin’ on.”

JORDANA BREWSTER: She’s in the film Annapolis, opening next Friday. Jordana was born in Panama City, then lived for a time in London, Rio, then in New York City. (For the record, I was born in Yonkers, then moved to Clarkstown.)
Why moving around so much? Jordana says because of her father’s job. And what did he do? Jordana says, “He said he was a banker.” Better leave that one alone. Her mom was a lovely model, getting herself on the cover of the 1978 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Hey, now, that’s quite a coup. Dave holds up the issue. Taking a closer look, I seem to remember Jordana’s mom. Better leave that one alone, too.
When Jordana was 15, she landed a role on the soap opera, As The World Turns. When she went to audition, her parents thought it would be a good experience, never thinking she would get the part. When she came back with an offer of a 3-year contract, her parents took on a different attitude. After much promising to continue her schooling, she was able to ink the contract. After 2 years on the program, she would sometimes get recognized. One day when leaving work, she was told there was a photographer outside waiting for her. She was excited that a photographer wanted to meet her. When she met him, he had a stack of Sports Illustrated magazines with him and he asked, “Is your mom around?” DOH!!
Jordana is in the film Annapolis and plays a Navy officer who is also a boxing coach. She’s not quite the Burgess Meredith. It opens next Friday, the 27th.

Back from commercial, Dave admits, “I’m am very happy with the mom I have, but if I had a mom like this (holding up Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue) things would have been a lot different.”

And that was our show for Friday January 20, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

My Uncle Frank on the USS Bunker Hill. He used to tell this one story of his time on the ship. (Don’t call it a boat!) Sailors on the ship were given chits, or food coupons, good for beer and ice cream. At the time, my Uncle Frank didn’t drink beer. He was one of the very few sailors in WWII who did not drink beer. But he loved ice cream. He had no need for his beer chits. When his fellow shipmates learned that McGrath didn’t drink beer and didn’t have a need for his beer chits, they came a-running looking for a swap of his beer chits for their ice cream chits. Uncle Frank definitely had the upper hand on the transaction with so many bartering to make a deal. Uncle Frank simply sat back and waited for the best offer. Each week, he was able to negotiate an incredible exchange rate for his beer chits. His memory of World War II on the Pacific Ocean: “I had all the ice cream I could eat.”
And we eventually went on to win World War II.

So I’m reading about this Wendy’s case about the woman who claimed she found a severed finger in her chili. It turns out it was nothing but a hoax. She wanted to cash in on a big lawsuit. She and her husband were eventually arrested and the case finally came to a conclusion. She got 9 years. He got 12 years. Now I admit I didn’t follow the case, but why did he get 3 more years than she?

The husband bought the fingertip for $100.
The woman said the plot was her husband's idea.
But she’s the one who did it. She’s the one who claims the finger was in her chili. And he gets a 33% longer sentence because it was his idea, so she says? I guess in this case, actions don’t speak louder than words, and the adage, “You are known by your deeds, not by your words” is not true in this case. I wonder if it were her idea and HE found the fingertip in his chili, would he get 9 years and she 12? Any lawyers out there? And, please, don’t put me on the clock.

Are you going to watch the NFL games this weekend? May I suggest you concentrate on listening to the CBS game? I think that’s the Pittsburgh/Denver game. I listened early in last week’s Colts/Steeler game as I was doing some chores. I couldn’t help but notice that annoying, that incredibly annoying, CBS majestic trumpeting in and out of every break just before the game and all through the 1st quarter. Way over done. If you’re sitting watching the game, maybe you don’t notice it since you’re also being attacked with visual stimuli. But when you are only listening to the telecast, you become more aware of what is being said. You are much more aware of the audio. Maybe it was my imagination but the trumpets sounded in and out of every commercial, when they showed the Colts starting offense, the Steelers starting defense, the Colts starting defense, and the Steelers starting offense; and any other time when the producers sensed a moment of silence from the announcers. Heaven forbid we get a taste of the crowd ambience. They got to cover that up. Can’t have crowd noise. If we’re listening to the crowd, we aren’t listening to a plug. How about this: “This moment of crowd noise ambience is brought to by ‘How I Met Your Mother.’ ‘How I Met Your Mother’ – Monday nights at 8:30, only on CBS.” Then the announcers can talk about how great the crowd noise ambience is as they talk over the crowd noise ambience.

What to look for in the NFC game? Will the Panthers win 27-10 like Osama predicted, that’s what I’ll be looking for.

Save your money. I’m picking both visiting teams this weekend.

Has basketball’s Atlanta Hawks ever been good?