Tonight, we're introducing new cast members to the show. First up, the tough talking troubled loner, Dakota.
A young "O.C." type lad walks out in his leathers. He says with glummed anger, "You think I chose gang life? Gang life chose me!" Dakota turns and throws a beer can against the wall. He exits.

After billboarding tonight's guest, Dave introduces the next new character to the program. It's the bad girl, Jules.
A pretty but moody well-off chick enters. Jules says, "Daddy always told me I could have anything I want . . . anything." Oooh, the sweet thang got some 'tude!

Sitting in with the band tonight is a very popular guitarist and one who is familiar to most. It's the one, the only, Esteban! Paul helps hawk the Esteban special guitar sale seen on the QVC. It's a guitar and an amp for only $99. We hear Esteban vibrate the strings of his acoustic like the wings of a hummingbird.

A researcher in England has determined that January 24th is the unhappiest day of the year. That was yesterday, so now that the worse is behind us, we thought we'd revive everyone's spirits with a reminder of things to be happy about. Some of the things on January 24th that make it so depressing:
- weather
- Christmas bills
- post-holiday blues
- failed New Year's resolutions
- tax time approaching.

These are some things that we should be happy about: Dave holds up a photo . . . -kitties -waffles

Dave takes a moment to ask Paul if a $100 guitar is worth the money. Esteban corrects Dave and says it is a $198 guitar which can be purchased with 3 easy payments of $32. Huh? Oh, I think I get it now, hours after hearing it. I think Esteban is saying it is a $198 value, but you can have it for 3 easy payments of $32. I'm sorry, that's the QVC talking.

Things that we should be happy about:
-waffles shaped like kitties. (photo of waffles shaped like kitties)
-You can always buy cough syrup even when the liquor stores are closed
-recently, someone hacked into the FDA and changed the top spot on the food pyramid to "cookies."
-there's never been a Barbara Bush sex video
-You don't look like a barn owl (photo of Larry King)
-If Hillary becomes President, it's a good bet Bill's gonna do some crazy-ass things in the White House again.
-merger of UPN and WB will replace two bad networks with one worse but easier to avoid network
-Network executive have finally found a way to combine faded stars with slippery surfaces (photo of logo of "Skating with Celebrities")
-Despite the world's perilous state, over evil dictators look like this (photo of Kim Jong Il) Dave asks Paul if he knows Kim Jong Il's brother? Paul chimes, "Mental Lee Il."
-Your hair doesn't look like this (photo of Donald Trump)
-Telemundo

Dave says the name "Esteban" and Esteban plays.

-There's only a 1-in-3 chance of the average person getting ripped to shreds by an angry baboon.
-(photo of Don Rickles) If you happen to be in the right place at the right time, you might get to see him drop his pants and fire a rocket.
-Vampires who dress like sluts (Kate Beckinsale in "Underworld: Evolution")
-(photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger) Term limits.

GEORGE W. BUSH STRAIGHT SHOOTER: From his January 23rd speech at Kansas State: "Follow me, the world is going to be worse."

And we have another new character on the Late Show. It's the fat detective. A fat detective enters.
Fat Detective: "Letterman! I'm the slob who's gonna put your fairy-ass behind bars. I know all about your trip to Acapulco --- a little sun, a little surf, a little murder!" ('sting' from Paul) "Here's a tip, princess, if you're gonna kill somebody, don't leave your shoe next to the body." (holds up a red pump)
Dave: "I really don't think that's mine."
Fat Detective: "Tell it to the judge, OJ."
After the fat detective exits, Dave says, "I love Community Theater, don't you?" And somebody back in the shack won, "Play the Dave."

TOP TEN: Surprising Facts About Osama bin Laden - the author of the book, "The Osama bin Laden I Know" claims that Osama is a big fan of CNNs "Larry King Live" and feta cheese.
#8. Secretly likes kosher pickles
#7. Middle name: Duane.
#5. Got cave hooked up with Sirius so he can still listen to Howard Stern
#1. The son-of-a-bitch is still alive.

Back from commercial, Dave says, "And with 3 easy payments, they'll throw in the hat and the glasses."

MISCHA BARTON: She's on "The O.C.", the big hit on FOX. And it was her birthday yesterday. How old? She turned 20. Dave says he is nearly 3 times her age.
Mischa spent the weekend in Paris attending a Dior fashion show. Dave is pleasantly surprised, for he too spent his 20th birthday attending a Dior fashion show. The fashion show only lasts about 20 minutes and tend to show outrageous costumes, not what you would wear to a picnic and such. Afterwards, Mischa was surrounded by the paparazzi. She was quite surprised that they didn't suddenly start snapping photos, but asked permission first.

Speaking of paparazzi. . . when I was leaving the show tonight, I was asked if I would stop and sign something. I simply said, "You don't want my autograph." The person responded, "Oh, I thought you were Jeff Altman."
I know that has nothing to do with paparazzi, but it sort of fit in with the story Mischa was telling about photographers asking permission to take her photo.

Mischa is not yet a United States citizen, having been born in London and has a dual British/Irish citizenship. She's scheduled to be sworn in as a U.S. citizen in about a month. She took the test and it was easier than she expected. There were 10 questions, such as "What are the colors of the American flag." If she's like a lot of today's movie stars, the first thing she'll do when she becomes a U.S. citizen is move to Europe.
"The O.C." is now in its 3rd season. Mischa's character, Marissa, was a lesbian for a while. How did that happen? And is she still a lesbian? Any locker room scenes? Marissa is no longer a lesbian and is back to dating men. There are no locker room scenes. Her character may be going to Berkeley, though, for college. Dave says that's a hard school to get into and is proud for Mischa's character. He wishes Marissa good luck.
"The O.C.": Thursdays at 9:00 on FOX.

JEFF ALTMAN: Dave says of his old friend that he looks a little different tonight, as if he's a coach at a junior college. What's up? Jeff is letting his hair go natural, letting it go gray. He now says when he looks in the mirror, he sees his father. Jeff adds that when you get older, your pants can go in 1 of 2 directions. He stands to demonstrate. I was laughing already. Jeff lowers his pants well below the belly button. That's how I wear mine. That's one way to wear your pants as an elder. Or, like Jeff's dad, you can hike your pants up to just below your nipples. I don't like that style. It looks like it interferes too much with your "business."
Jeff says getting back into the dating scene at his age isn't easy. He finds that women can be so demanding. They always want things and always want to know what your goals are. "What are your goals?" I was already laughing. Jeff's usual answer is, "To have sex with you, then leave." He then says a bit under his breath, "God bless you, George." I laughed.
Jeff wonders why it looks cool for an inner city rapper to grab himself, but if Jeff does it, it doesn't look cool. He demonstrates. And he's right. He doesn't look cool.

Dave has always been impressed with Jeff's knowledge of Presidential Trivia. One time many years ago, Dave and Jeff met President Nixon. Jeff shares this little known fact about Nixon: "after he left politics, Nixon worked as a sea bass at Marine Land." He demonstrates Nixon as a sea bass.
30 years doing stand up. Tough spots? Jeff remembers doing some minutes on a stage in California. He got a heckle from the crowd, the voice sounding very familiar. It was Johnny Carson. Johnny then came up on stage, took the microphone and did 7-8 minutes of killer stuff. Jeff then followed with his act. He asked his audience what they thought of his opening act.
Jeff is very excited about his new film, "Sweet Dreams." Jeff wrote it and was picked up by Disney. He describes the film as family entertainment. It's a touching story about 2 people who meet and go . . ." Dave pursues where it goes, but Jeff doesn't offer much. Dave asks about the clip we are about to see but Jeff is unsure what clip Disney sent over. Dave again presses. Jeff believes it's probably the most touching part of the film. And when does the movie come out? Jeff quickly says, "June 24th it opens."
We see a clip of Jeff in a bar. He approaches a very pretty woman and tries to pick up a date. His approach is a little too forward, a bit too forward. The woman turns and punches Jeff right in the kisser. His eyes cross and he falls flat on this face. We see him lying on the ground face up (?), hearing tweety birds.
"Sweet Dreams" - opens June 24th.

ACT 5: It's Esteban on guitar! And he's going solo. He makes it look easy.

WICKED WISDOM: From their new CD, "Wicked Wisdom," Wicked Wisdom performed "Something Inside of Me." Lead singer for Wicked Wisdom, Jada Pinkett-Smith.

And that was our show for Wednesday, January 25, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

I went out for a few drinks the other night, hankering to hear some LIVE music. I found myself at Kelly's Pub in Tappan, New York. I like the place; older crowd, low ceiling, great juke box, and on this night, a LIVE band. I hadn't listened to live music in a small bar in quite awhile. Tonight at Kelly's was the International Silver String Submarine Marching Band. It didn't matter to me what they were playing, just as long as it was loud. I was pleased when I sensed their music leaned towards a Grateful Dead sound, playing mostly original music. I really enjoyed it. But the best part of the night was something I witnessed while sitting at the bar. The band was about to come on. I was sitting at the end of the bar just past the turn. Two women in their early 50s came sauntering my way. There was one bar stool available. I, of course, got up and offered them my seat so they could comfortably sit together. They thanked me and they shimmied up onto the barstools. They didn't quite fit my image of someone who would come to a bar like Kelly's. They both seemed too dainty and delicate. I was quickly surprised. One woman asks for a bottle of Bud and a shot. The other says, "Yeah, me too." "Shot of what?" asks the barkeep. The first woman says with a shrug, "Whatever." The second seconds it with a nod.
"Shot of what?"
"Whatever."
The young bartender wasn't sure what to do. A few seconds later the first woman notices his apprehension. She barks to assist and quicken his search, "Nothing sweet."
Jack Daniels was poured as the two women talked. They never looked to see what was offered. The gulped it down without a wince. They offer a nod to the kid behind the bar, signaling "good choice." And that was that.

I'm going out tonight. I'm going to place the same disinterested order. The barkeep will toss a coaster my way, "What'll you have?" I simply say "Whatever." And if he's confused, I'll throw in "Nothing sweet." How bad can it be? I like just about everything in the place.

People have been asking about the pantsless guy from Tuesday's show. Turns out, he's a frequent visitor to the Letterman newsgroup. Check it out to find out from the actual pantsless guy how it all went down.
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.fan.letterman?lnk=srg&hl=en

So did you see Bob Borden on "Guiding Light" this morning (Thursday)? Soap Opera Digest highlights his appearance:

"GUIDING LIGHT - Bob Borden (Delivery Man): The Late Show with David Letterman regular gives Harley (Beth Ehlers) a special package on January 26." Some interesting facts about "Guiding Light"

HEY, NEW YORKERS! It was Wednesday night when I wrote the above about Bob's "Guiding Light" appearance to air on Thursday. Here in New York, "Guiding Light" is on from 10:00 AM - 11:00 AM. I turned on CBS with great anticipation for the show. Uh oh! The President was on! And he was on for the entire hour. The New York metro area missed Bob's appearance on "Guiding Light." Oh man, darn that Bush. Didn't he know about Bob on "The Light"?

UPCOMING PREVIOUSLY VIEWED PROGRAMS:
THURSDAY, January 26: From December 16, 2005; Show #2478 - Dr. Phil; and Bill Scheft.
FRIDAY, January 27, 2006: From January 4, 2006; Show #2486 - Pierce Brosnan and Marv Albert; and Marv's bloopers. Plus, Late Show Equations.
MONDAY, January 30, 2006: From January 10, 2006; Show #2490 - Scarlett Johansson and Tiki Barber. Plus, What's in the Applebee's Cup.
TUESDAY, January 31, 2006: From January 12, 2006; Show #2492 - Keifer Sutherland, Andy Samberg, and Alicia Keys. Plus, Late Show Roll Call

Check the Wahoo Gazette Archives and make your plans accordingly.