We’re experiencing a bitter cold snap here in New York City. It was so cold . . . . well, look what took place at the stripper place down the block.

We see a lone gentleman at the bar working on his drink. The camera widens to reveal the exotic dancer. She is dressed in a parka, mittens, and a wool hat as she prances with the pole.

Dave learns that at the top of the show when he introduced Paul, he mistakenly called him "Bruce Willis." Huh? We see the replay from moments earlier. Yes, indeed, Dave called Paul "Bruce Willis." Dave blames it on a pre-show incident that has thrown him off his game. Bruce Willis?

The Bush Administration is taking a lot of criticism for letting Dubai handle the United States ports. They put out this announcement today to calm everyone down.

Announcer: (various shots of ports, Bush at podium) “Many Americans are worried about letting the country of Dubai guard our ports. Well, President Bush would like to assure Americans that he’ll be adding an extra layer of security at all sensitive ports.”
(Quick shot of Cheney with a rifle)
“Dick Cheney --- locked and loaded.”

GEORGE W. BUSH ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: From his appearance at Kansas State – January 23rd. Bush is at a podium. A student off camera asks a question.

Student: “Recently, $12.7 billion was cut from education and I was just wondering how that’s supposed to help our futures?”
Bush: (confused; not hearing) “Education budget was cut? Say it again. What was cut?
Student: “$12.7 billion was cut from education, and I was wondering how is that supposed to help our . . .
Bush: “At the federal level?”
Student: “Yes.”
Bush: “I don’t think . . . I don’t think we’ve actually . . . . for higher education? Student loans?”
Student: “Yes.”
Bush looks this way and that. He looks behind him looking for help. He turns back to the podium and says with a snort:
Bush: (hesitantly) “Actually, I think what we did was reform the student loan program.”

THINGS WE LEARNED FROM THE WINTER OLYMPIC GAMES
- (Photo of the Olympic medals) the medals look like pizza bagels
- (Lone guy sitting at Olympic venue) the locals also watched "American Idol" instead
- (Bobsledders) the difference between the 2-man bobsled and the 4-man bobsled . . . . . . 2 men.
- (U.S. hockey team) they didn't win a medal but they did win $10,00 betting with Gretzky's wife

Dave had a hard time selling this piece to the audience. He was hoping for something stronger on a Monday night program. He asks Paul if he should continue with this. Paul says it is up to Dave. Dave asks Alan what he thinks. Alan is not at his perch. The seat is empty. Only a poster of Rita Hayworth can be seen hanging on the wall where Alan sits. Alan? Does Biff know where Alan is? Biff hasn't seen him. Dave has Biff check out what that poster is doing there. Biff walks over, looks closely at the poster, and senses something is wrong. Biff puts his finger up to the poster and pushes his finger through. There is a huge hole behind the poster. Alan has dug himself out.

We see Biff peering in from “inside the hold” point of view.

Morgan Freeman narration as if from The Shawshank Redemption (not actually Mr. Freeman but someone who sounded like him):
“In 2006, Alan Kalter escaped from the Ed Sullivan Theater. I remember thinking it would take a man 600 years to tunnel through that wall. Old Alan did it in less than ten.“
(We see shots of Alan and the interior back alleys of the Ed Sullivan Theater; shots similar to the shots shown on The Shawshank Redemption.)
“Old Alan loved geology. Geology is the study of pressure and time. That’s all it takes. Pressure and time.”
(Shot of the hole; shot of Alan chipping away at the hole behind the poster)
“That, and a big damn poster.”
(Poster of Rita Hayworth)
"Working for Dave, a man will do most anything to keep his mind occupied. Turns out, Alan’s favorite hobby was toting his wall into the Hello Deli, a handful at a time.”
(Shot of Alan dropping rocks through his pant leg onto the floor of the Hello Deli).
Rupert: “Alan, you’re dropping crushed rock on my floor.”
“Alan crawled to freedom through 10 yards of crap-smelling foulness I can’t even imagine. Or maybe I just don’t want to . . . . . 10 yards! That’s the length of one-tenth of a football field!
(Montage of shots of Alan crawling through the tunnel and his eventual escape to 53rd Street. Alan stumbles out and rejoices as he is rained upon by precipitation and freedom. Alan cries out in joy. While Alan stands out on 53rd Street with arms raised, Biff opens the door which leads to the stage.)
Biff: “Hey, Alan, Dave’s looking for you.”
(Alan’s joy is crushed. He lowers his head in recognition that he must return to the theater. But suddenly, an oncoming yellow taxi cab runs him over. Biff returns to the stage.)
Biff: “Hey, Dave, I don’t think Alan’s coming back for a while.”

And that was our "Kaltershank Redemption."

IT SORT OF SOUNDS LIKE A JOKE – Starring stagehands Pat Farmer and Gene Szymanski
Gene: “Hey, Pat, what’s wrong?”
Pat: “I think my wife is cheating on me.”
Gene: “Why’s that?”
Pat: “Last night I walked in and she was having sex with the neighbor.”
Sound effects: BOING!!!!
Pat: “What’s with the ‘boing’? The bitch ruined my life!”

TOP TEN: H&R Block Excuses – Shares of H&R Block, the nation’s largest tax preparer, dropped 9% after it was announced that they made a $32 million mistake on their own taxes.
#9. “Forgot to carry the one 32 million times.”
#8. “For year’s we’ve been secretly funding Hamas.”
Dave cracks up at the groans, ooohs and ahhhs from the audience following #8. Dave isn’t sure if the audience realizes it is not really true that H&R Block funded Hamas. The audience reaction would make one think otherwise.
#4. “C’mon, it’s a couple of dollars . . . . it’s not like we shot a guy in the face.”
#1. “Hoping for hot make-up sex with the IRS.”

Going into commercial, we hear then see that woman again hanging from the balcony. She’s screaming something about having a problem with Regis. Biff quickly comes over with a ladder to help the damsel down.

Back from commercial, Dave remarks that this is the kind of show you see on Telemundo.

BRUCE WILLIS: Mr. Willis enters wearing a ball cap and the side of his face is all marked up like Dick Tracy’s “Half-Face” or like that Mel Gibson movie. Bruce explains he was playing poker with some politicians. After emptying a bottle and a half of Jack Daniels, one of them suggested, “Hey, let’s go hunting.” It seemed like a good idea at the time but . . . accidents happen. The worst part is the itching. And under his cap we find his partially bald head covered in band-aids. His hair was shot right off.
Bruce is always looking for a new project; always the businessman; always the entrepreneur . . . or interpreter, depending on how he says it. Dave came across an ad in this month’s Variety magazine (or is it a weekly?). We see Bruce’s ad for “Bruce Up Your Speech.” Need a speech? Bruce has one for you and he has a special for the Academy Awards. In the ad, you will find this claim: “Bruce has over 20,000 unused acceptance speeches.” He offers two speeches tonight for free.
Bruce: “OK, I didn’t expect this to happen so I didn’t prepare anything. I want to dedicate this to two loved ones who couldn’t be here tonight: My sickly grandfather, Paw Paw, and my three-legged housecat, Tripod. You both were always there for me, but not I am too famous and important to spend time with you, so I will miss you both.”
Another, more joyous speech: “WOOOOHOOOOO! WOOOOOOHOOOOOO! Philip Seymour Hoffman can kiss my ass!”
Have we seen any of Bruce’s speeches used before at the Academy Awards? Bruce says when you see an actor crying . . . . that’s his.
Bruce’s oldest daughter is about to graduate from high school. And she’ll be graduating with a fine GPA. It wasn’t that way with Bruce. Bruce got his high school diploma by paying a guy named Leo. Leo wasn’t a mob guy, per se, but kind of a broker. It cost Bruce about $50. Bruce admits he doesn’t know how to add, subtract, multiply or divide or read . . . . but he’s got a diploma. He’d fit right in with today’s grads.
Bruce Willis: A man ahead of his time.
We see a clip from Bruce’s new film, 16 Blocks. Ooops! Wrong clip. We instead see a clip with Bruce from Miami Vice. Bruce enjoys the ride back down Memory Lane. We see Don Johnson says, “This guy’s scum!” Dave tries it himself: “This guy’s scum.” And I’m sure many of you at home are trying it right now: “This guy’s scum.”
16 Blocks – opens Friday. Bruce looks good in the clip.

ACT 5 – Non-Alan announce: “Attention, Prisoners. Do you have ideas for the Late Show? If so, we want to hear ‘em. Send your ideas to:
I Am In Prison and I Have an Idea for the Late Show
1697 Broadway
New York, New York, 10019.
And remember --- you do the time, don’t let the time do you.”

Question: At 11:35 PM, isn’t it ‘lights out’ at the gray bar hotel? Do inmates get to watch the LATE SHOW? If you’re a murderer or serial killer, let me know.

THE STROKES: From their CD, “First Impressions of Earth,” The Strokes performed “Heart in a Cage.” Hey, I like the Strokes! Loud and good. It had a good beat and I could dance to it.

And that was our show for Monday, February 27, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Here’s something: Put together the five “goose eggs” Bode Miller attained at the Winter Games and you get the Olympic Rings.

Budweiser and Nike are joining forces with Bode: “Want to get sloshed? Just Do It!”

Here’s another thing that bothered me about the Olympics. I’m watching the men’s hockey gold medal game, Sweden vs. Finland. For the first time I notice printed on the ice surface, “Passion lives here.” Why was it in English? Yes, I know English is considered the universal language but we are in Italy . . . . it should have been in Italian. I would have much rather, “La passione vive qui!” The Olympics were in Italy. They should have been celebrating Italy.

And while I’m at it, in Friday’s piece on Stephanie at the Olympics, she told a story of a man crying out, “Porque de miseri!” I was then notified by Italiano Anonimo from Italy:

”It is not ‘Porque de miseri?!’. It's ‘Porca miseria!’, in english translated literally in ‘Pig Misery!’.

Back on May 20, 2004, we sent a camera crew out to an airport in New Jersey to tape some live stunts with a pilot. The pilot’s name: Jamail Larkins. In Monday’s USA Today, there was a really nice write up on the guy.

This is what I wrote about young Jamail back in May, 2004.

“Tonight we’ll be enjoying some aerobatics performed by the country’s youngest air show performer, Jamail Larkins. We find Jamail (pronounced Juh-mell) at Solberg Airport in Readington, New Jersey. What exactly is ‘aerobatics’? Here are the two blue cards I had prepared for the piece which was later pared down to one card.
- Jamail will be performing aerobatics; short for ‘aerial acrobatics’; aka, stunt flying.
- He is originally from Augusta, Georgia, currently attending college in Daytona, Florida
- Flying since 12 years old
- Soloed two years before he was able to drive
- Has flown 600 hours
- Bought his own plane when he was 18 years old
- Basic maneuvers of aerobatics: loops, rolls, spins, and stalls.

I spend much of the day compiling bits of information which could spark conversation between Dave and the non-panel guests. Hopefully what I supply will assist Dave to get the knowledge from inside the guest’s noggin, out. After Dave’s ‘Hello’ I knew that Jamail was a golden guest. He was incredibly well-spoken, tremendously poised, fantastically knowledgeable, and was able to convey information in an easy to understand manner with great enthusiasm. Dave, who knows a bit about planes, threw question after question at Jamail and Jamail slammed back every volley. Dave asked questions that I never saw mentioned in any of my Google searching and Jamail was right there with an answer. The kid was good; real good.”

And the other day I was not sure what happened to the Olympic flame at the end of the Games. John Hill of Groton, Massachusetts reminded me:

“Olympic Flame: It gets extinguished at the end of the event.
A new flame will be lit on the site of the ancient Olympic Games and be carried to Beijing. The flame is lit using solar power (and duct tape).”

“The Center of Attention: The medal’s most distinguishing feature is the hole in the middle, said to symbolize the Italian piazza, the open space in a city. The opening is also intended to draw attention to the heart of the Olympian who wears the medal.”

From Nigel Kogander of Pearl River, New York:

This just in: In another surprising move President Bush just named former President Clinton Secretary of Secretaries.